Stupid is as Stupid does.....

That would be me....
Monday morning I had a lot of racing around to do in order to be at the doc for a Synvisc shot (an hour drive). When I went up to the Peacock house I found a dead pea chick in the middle of the floor. Some may remember my story about Diana and her dedication to becoming a Mom. She has never lost hope and this season seemed to be the charm (male is finally of age). I am always up set at seeing anything die, but I was up set over this for many reasons. I quickly threw the other birds out because I thought I detected a little peep coming from under Diana.
Rich and I discussed building a cage around Diana in order to protect her. As we drove to the Doctor we made plans and discussed what we'd need. In the back of my mind was my fear for Rich that he would over do it.....Oh the hidden stresses that life can deal out at times.

Of course I was told the usual, go home and ice the leg, elevate it and no activity for a week...Yup, like that is going to happen.
Once home we took to task the project of building a cage. I will have to post a pic here because I'm pretty proud of the finished result. There was a lot of twisting and odd movements to be able to duck under perches and around structures. I kept a close eye on Rich for any sign of fatigue or shortness of breath...I did most of the twisting and turning and heavy lifting (there wasn't too much of that anyway) Rich manned the screw gun and saw.
I realized the sun had changed and finally asked the time...7:45...Oh my time sure does fly when you are having fun. No wonder why I was feeling a bit hungry.
We came in exhausted, had a quick dinner and iced my leg...
Sorry to report it was too little too late...I woke up to a very swollen, painful situation and a trip back to the doc. I will skip the gory details only to say yesterday and today will be spent with leg elevated and not much else...It's what happens when you don't listen to your doctor...or when your love for animals clouds your judgement.
Diana is safe and seems to be much more relaxed...the cage will allow her to raise her chicks, should there be any more and them bring them out into the social atmosphere of the group when they are big enough...Since she always nest in the same place, next year we will just shut the gate to the cage when it's time for chicks to hatch....and what, you might say, does this have to do with WLS? Not a damn thing LOL It's just my life...............Oh and when you think of it, something I would not have been able to do a year ago...so I guess it is related to WLS....

Weight Loss Before Surgery

This is a topic that comes up many times. We all have different ways we tried to lose the weight prior to surgery. I had 15 pounds to lose, some have less, some have more. The formula is easy: Less calories + more exercise= weight loss. No magic, just plain old common sense. Following WW would do it or Atkins (which is more like we eat after surgery) would also work. After eight weeks when I got on the scale I still had 6 pounds to go. I drank Slim fast only, lost the 6 pounds in a week and then begged to be seen immediately for fear of gaining it back.
That was a very silly fear when I think about it. I was bound and determined to make this all work for me so why would I gain it back. I didn't, but I have heard stories from people who do.

I have to be honest here. If you can not find enough discipline to lose 10 or 15 pounds and keep it off for a few months...don't have this surgery. I know that sounds harsh but sometimes life isn't a sugar coated candy treat, some times it's bitter and hurts to swallow. This is surgery folks...not a trip to the amusement park. If you can't control your eating habits prior to surgery, why would you think you'll do it afterward?
I think the biggest part of this whole process is taking charge of your life. Few of us have ever been in control of our lives, or at least some aspect of them and it is all part of our disease of obesity. If you are not willing to tell your husband you need his support, you need to purge your house of foods you can not eat now or perhaps ever. If you have kids at home, you need to tell them a new leaf is being turned and all snacks will be Healthy..if they want junk, they will have to eat it at their friends house. Yes it's hard and it's even harder for Moms who are used to sacrificing...it's hard to be selfish, but that's what it takes.
I'm not quite sure why women feel they need to allow junk in their house because their "Husband " likes it...he is SUPPOSED to love you Hellooooooo. There are some foods that others like that I consider junk and wouldn't think of eating, so I allow that stuff, if they must. But I will not allow temptation in my house. It is the one place I have control.
Sometimes I just want to yell "Stop with the excuses...you gained weight back because you are not willing to change a damn thing and you think this surgery is brain surgery..."
For anyone who reads this pre surgery, I'm here to tell you, you are about to take the biggest step of your life and if you are strong and willing to change not only your life style, but your home situation as well...You will reap the rewards you see at every meeting. But if anything I've written here hits home...as they say, if the shoe fits........Don't waste your time with this surgery, it's just a tool and you have to be dedicated to make it work. If you can't lose the pre surgical weight and you believe you are really trying hard, talk to Bob and show him your journal. Together you may find a solution, but if you know in your heart you can't take control of what you put in your mouth, this surgery will NOT help you. Those are the facts, sad but true...
This is a topic that hits home now, because I have to be so mindful of everything I put in my mouth...My emotional eating is lurking and it has been a struggle. I realize struggles will always be there...Life is full of emotions...so I might as well start now, learning how to control them or at least not feed them. I practice what I preach so there is nothing unhealthy in this house, but I'm sure I could graze myself up a few pounds if I made an effort... or if I lose control of my determination NEVER to be heavy again....Keep a kind thought for me...Please and good luck to all the pre-surgical people in your continued struggle. It is so worth it...

Bad News Adventure

Got up with the birds (actually I think we beat them this morning) In spite of a planned day in Albany we still have animals to tend to and chores to complete.
We got about a mile from home and realized we had forgotten something...Back we went.
Got half way down the drive way and Rich asked if I had the Cadio Cath disk...up the driveway we went again. probably should have stayed there.
Found the doctor pretty easy but then we were told he was running late in surgery...Rich was able to have some test in the mean time, so that was good.
Finally got to see the Dr. by 4 pm...considering the appointment was for 1...Oh well...
The Doc was Great, very friendly, nice warm smile and firm hand shake. He told Rich he hated to say it but he was not a candidate for the less invasive procedure which is what we had hoped for. He also said Rich had bad circulation which adds to the problem. Not to worry , if the mammary vessel can't be used his radial artery is good. Of course he can't use the right arm and spoil the tattoo (man worry about silly stuff). The long and short of the visit was disappointment, but Rich is tired of the speculation as well as gasping for every breath and feeling like crap. So the surgery is set for Aug.17. Of course I am still collecting data, but he feels that's far enough away and has no desire to travel to Ohio...He and I think differently but this is his call not mine.
We left the Doc with the wind out of our sails but hope full. While trying to get back on the road we came from...what a maze...we were hit by the worst hailstorm I've ever been in and I've been in a few. Some of the hail was the size of Baseballs, most the size of golf balls and marbles...I was waiting for the windshield to break and we were sure we'd have dents in the aftermath.
I finally worked our way out of the maze that is Albany and we stopped for dinner...Things were tense and I could tell Rich was a million miles away.
It is difficult to face any surgery and when you have never been sick it is even scarier. If I could do this for him I would in a heartbeat, not because I'm brave, but because I have faith and an extremely strong will to live. I've always said Attitude is EVERYTHING, the more positive you are the better the outcome...Sorry, but that's my theory and I'm stickin' to it!!!
We finally made it home by 9 pm...It was nice to be greeted by our dogs as if we were returning from a very long adventure...it was also nice to see that out friend had locked up all the animals and all was safe and secure...What a blessing to have friends that seem to jump at every chance to help ease our minds.
This begins a new adventure for both of us..Rich because he has never had surgery and this surgery will be difficult. 4 doctors have told Rich he has a very unique situation that they don't see very often, which only adds to the anxiety. I am extremely worried, both about his surgery as well has his attitude toward it...It is my hope to change what I can into a more positive outlook. being an emotional eater I am concerned. I have done so well on my Journey thus far but I still have a long way to go...I can not allow my emotions to sabotage what I have accomplished thus far and that will be difficult...Not only will it be hard to make good choices at time...but I am sure the strong emotions will make every attempt to throw me into graze mode. I hope knowing all this, being aware of my frailty, will help me hold it together.
I firmly believe that if God brings you to it, he will bring you through it....We will persevere!

Butterfly Picnic

It finally happened...Something Kittie and I talked about and planned (she is quite the party planner) Finally happened last Saturday. Some of us met at the Butterfly Conservatory in Oneonta...it was a little pricey for what was there. Just one big room, butterflies flitting about, lizards lurking and birds flying...a koi pond and some small displays. That was about it...beautiful grounds, poorly kept and even the Butterfly room could have been spruced up better..it was a bit disappointing but I think we all enjoyed our time with the Butterflies..(pictures will be posted to this site soon, along with a new pic of me)
The weather was threatening and I'm sure it was storming in other parts of the state. The turn out was disappointing, but with the predicted "Dangerous" Storms, it was understandable.Kittie did a wonderful job with decorations , party games and prizes...Lisa made up floral arrangements for each table and everyone brought good healthy food that was delicious. Kittie provided Lemonade and Iced tea of all flavors and my beef sticks and kabobs were well received and enjoyed. We were grateful for the pavilion...best $20 I could have spent, especially when the skies opened up at the end. Thank goodness most of us were packed up.
Once again we proved that people can party and have a wonderful time,laughing and joking and eating and staying within the limits of the program. No one went hungry....
As I said before, this surgery isn't just about losing weight, it is about learning to live with food, learning to control what we eat and how we eat it.
These get togethers are good for us. After surgery you feel a bit alien, not quite like normal people (what ever the heck that is) We seem to have our own society and are happiest when we are among others like ourselves...but in reality, these get togethers serve to remind us that we are very much the same as we always were, only our relationship with food has changed.
In a society whose whole social structure seems to center around food, it is nice to know that we can still be a part of that structure and continue to lose weight and be happy.

Richards Birthday

The disease of Obesity never leaves us...all sorts of emotions causes that predator of self esteem to rear it's ugly head....Between the stress of Richards new found heart problem and the excitement of having my family together to celebrate a special Birthday...It has been a rough few days.
Rich has had two 'events' of extreme shortness of breath, which of course scares me to death.
I know I was told he will not have a heart attack because of that blockage (that ship has sailed according to the doctor) However, if another artery blocks there will be a very serious situation..So of course every change in the norm, up sets me and I head for the refrig.
I have been mindful by keeping the house stocked with only good, healthy foods. This way my choices are easy.
However when Krista comes to visit and brings her parents the fattening snacks, cookies, cakes and ice cream flow like rain (something we've had far too much of, rain that is) It has been difficult to say the least. Emotional eating comes easy...the fact that weight loss slowed down a bit isn't helping...but I know why and I know how to fix it....I just need to get back into my normal routine.
I did not pass up the BD cake, I doubt I got fat on a small piece of cake...it's all about choices...even with the bad stuff. You can choose to eat a humongous piece or one you can read through...your choice. Speaking only for myself, I respect this program and for the most part follow it to the letter, but I also feel a need to maintain a normal life and not feel deprived. We do not celebrate BD every day. Nor do we have a house full of people every day...Life does return to normal and things do get back on track. I have learned some important lessons along the way and one is not to beat myself up over small issues and bad choices. Yes I could have said no to the small pc. of cake, but I didn't, so what? It does not mean an old habit is back it simply means my emotions got the better of me...No biggie....I am aware of what I did and was aware of doing it. In fact I had to laugh at myself with my tiny fork, telling myself to eat slowly and chew LOL...Chew cake? Was I serious?
It was wonderful having my children here. David brought his Mom and dad up just for the day (they will return next week for longer) They are all a big help and fun to have around. Robyn even helped stuff Butterflies. These are the moments in life you can not repeat.
There are better things to dwell on rather then momentary failure. Like when my Grandson walked through the door and said "WOW!! Grandma you look awesome!!!", now that's something to dwell on. It has been a fantastic journey and yes, even I have hit some bumps but nothing worth complaining about or crying over. I never lose sight of the prize and being "awesome" in my Grandsons eyes makes this journey all worth while....
For those of you taking this same journey...Focus on the prize and not the failure of one day. There are beautiful days ahead....I just got my next package of new clothes..Large..it's been a long time since I could fit nicely into a Large and since i could buy off the rack...Talk about a PRIZE!!!

Statistic's

Isn't it funny how we have so much faith in statistic's and yet we never seem to question how they are formulated or what facts they are based on. I found a very interesting article while looking up statistic's regarding the less invasive surgery I hope Rich will choose. I hope anyone that has been fearful of gastric bypass will read this and be far less fearful. Speaking for myself, it still beats having a hunk of plastic stuck in your body for life (unless you can afford to have it removed somewhere down the line...but then why bother?)

Regarding Surgical Mortality Statistics
By G. Wesley Clark, MD, bariatric surgeon, San Diego, CA(co. 2003, reprinted by permission of the author)
I am a weight-loss surgeon, with an experience of over 2000 operations, over the last 17 years. I was an originator of the Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass, Roux en-Y. My personal mortality is about 1:1000 for the laparoscopic procedure, somewhat higher for the open operation (not because the operation is more dangerous that way, but because more high-risk patients must be done by that method). I have the advantage of operating in a hospital where the entire team has experience, and where we have special equipment for the obese patient.Mortality from surgery is usually determined by taking mortality from all causes within 30 days of the operation. For example, if one had a minor and safe operation, and was run down by a beer truck 27 days later, it would be considered a surgical mortality, even though it is apparently not related to the operation. This is a very stringent method, but eliminates any judgments about whether or not the death was caused by the operation. This method may overstate mortality from a safer operation: if one gets better fast, and is more active, there is a slightly greater chance of death from an unrelated cause, due to activity. On the other hand, a patient with severe surgical complications might survive for several months before expiring, and not be counted. That’s the problem with statistics. Low mortality rates for 3 days after surgery are very misleading. Even the patient with a severe sepsis, or a brain-death, will usually survive for that long, and not be counted against the surgery.The most commonly cited mortality rate for bariatric surgical operations, across the United States, is 0.5%. That looks pretty good, till you do the math and realize that means about 1 out of 200 patients will experience a fatal result. This increased risk arises from numerous factors, and is not just for bariatric surgery, but any surgery performed on a very obese patient. I call this the “fat penalty”. The increased mortality arises from numerous factors:
Anesthetic Risk Most anesthesiologists shudder to see an obese person on their table. They know it may be very difficult to insert the anesthetic tube into the airway, and very dangerous if it comes out too soon. Ventilator pressures must be set a lot higher, because of the weight of the chest. Drugs and anesthetic gases may be absorbed by the fat, requiring much higher doses to take effect, and much longer to be eliminated when they are no longer needed. Obese patients don’t breath well to begin with (they get out-of-breath from simple daily activities), and may have much more difficulty after surgery. Moving an unconscious patient is always difficult and tricky, but can be much more so when the patient weighs 400 pounds. Our hospital has special equipment to assist with this and make it safer. You want a highly skilled anesthesiologist, experienced with treating obese patients.
Surgical “Degree of Difficulty”Obese persons are much more difficult for the surgeon to operate upon. Normally, the abdominal organs are all fitted together, with no space between them. In order for the surgeon to see to operate, they must be separated and held apart in some way – this is called “surgical exposure”. Exposure can be very challenging to achieve and maintain, when there are large amounts of fat constantly slipping and sliding about, and getting in the way. Fat on the surface of the organs may make it harder to place sutures accurately.The abdominal wall may be 4 – 5 inches thick in the obese patient. That means that ordinary surgical instruments won’t reach, and we have to use extra-long instruments, which are much harder to learn to manipulate precisely. That’s why you want a highly skilled and experienced Bariatric Surgeon.
Surgical ComplicationsObese persons have a much higher rate of complications. Obesity is a risk factor for Pulmonary Embolism, which is often fatal. Post-operative Pneumonia is also more likely in the obese. Wound infections are considered more likely, and because of the size and depth of the wound, can be very challenging to heal. Complications can be much harder to diagnose and manage in the obese patient. For example, X-Rays do not penetrate as well, and the pictures are less clear. Very large patients will not fit in some equipment, such as the CT scanner.Many surgeons with limited experience in surgery of the obese patient will decline to operate on an obese person, even when the indications are there, because of their perception of the increased risk, and the altered risk/benefit ratio. Many transplant surgeons will refuse to transplant organs in an obese patient (not overtly, they just never seem to find the right organ match). Many orthopedic surgeons decline to do joint replacements, especially knees, in obese persons. All surgery carries risks, and all surgeons have patients who experience complications, even when surgery is done "perfectly". When a complication occurs, the most important factor in determining mortality, I believe, is the experience, knowledge and skill of the treatment team.
What about the Benefits?
One should only seek Bariatric Surgery to protect or to restore health. It is not a cosmetic operation, although it has some pleasant side-benefits. To decide whether Bariatric Surgery is right for you, the risks and the benefits should be understood, and weighed one against the other. We do that all the time in life, usually without realizing it. (I ride a motorcycle, even though I know it’s risky, because I get such a high from it. I don’t eat sushi, because I don’t like it that much, and raw fish can have bad things in it). The benefits of bariatric surgery, beyond a lighter weight and smaller dress size, have been relatively poorly demonstrated in the surgical literature. We found (and published) that in our first 500 Laparoscopic Gastric Bypasses, there were 1572 major co-morbidities (health problems related to obesity) --over 3 per patient, on the average. Following surgery, one year later, these were reduced by 96%. Ninety-six percent of the obesity-related health problems were gone. Of 80 diabetics, only one continued to require any medication. Risk factors for cardiac disease were dramatically reduced. Arthritic symptoms almost disappeared, and even when some joint pain remained, it was much lessened. Dr. Kenneth McDonald has published a study of diabetics who undergo bariatric surgery, and showed a 75% reduction in mortality after surgery (even including a slightly higher than average surgical mortality). That's the kind of results that justifies the risk of the operation -- my wife had a Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass 3 years ago, on my recommendation, and I'd be on the table next week myself, if I met the basic weight criteria, or if I developed Diabetes. I started out years ago as a General Surgeon, taking out gallbladders, removing breasts, cutting out cancers. Nothing compares to the thrill I get when my patients return to me a year later, and want to hug me (no woman ever hugged me for taking her breast off). They've changed into beautiful butterflies, excited with their new lives, able to do things they never dared to dream about before. I became a physician, because I dreamt of healing people. I found my way to heal, and I love it.G. Wesley Clark, MDSan Diego

Lucky Lady

Every once in a while I go back and read the comments left here. It is always a reminder to me, how truly lucky I am. (I also save heartfelt e-mails for those of you who don't leave comments here, although I wish you would) Through out my life I have met the most amazing earth bound Angels, most of which I don't see or talk to everyday, but somehow they always seem to drift back into my life when I need them most. There is that constant reassurance that there is really no time in my life that I walk alone.The past 10 years or so have been hard, filled with so many unknowns, pain, fear,loss, discord and anxiety...The only thing constant, it seems, was our love (mine and Richards) for each other and the love and support of friends.We do not always understand the events of our lives, why they happen or exactly how to deal with them, but it seems to me that with LOVE, all things are possible. I think the key to my obesity was my unwillingness to Love myself, to see myself as others saw me...to them I was actually worth something. I was unable or unwilling to embrace the warmth of others, I lacked trust (for so many reasons) But all things happen in time, even ones own awakening.I see so many people, now that I am involved in the WLS program, who are struggling with so many questions...Like me, they think their problems are so unique, their reason for obesity so different from others, their pains and struggles like none other...but truth be known, we aren't quite as unique as we think we are...We all suffer pain, we all have to deal with loss, we all have problems that seem like the very worst, tragedy hits ALL our lives. So do many blessing, but we are usually so wrapped up in the turmoil of life that we do not embrace those blessings...Some of you figured this out long before I did, it took me a while to see the smiles on those suffering, the offer of help from those needing help themselves...but I've got it and I want to thank those of you who showed me the way. I admire you for your courage and I thank you for that wisdom that I can now pay it forward....I do not see or hear from most of you, but it is a comfort to know you are there...I am truly a very Lucky Lady........