The disease of Obesity never leaves us...all sorts of emotions causes that predator of self esteem to rear it's ugly head....Between the stress of Richards new found heart problem and the excitement of having my family together to celebrate a special Birthday...It has been a rough few days.
Rich has had two 'events' of extreme shortness of breath, which of course scares me to death.
I know I was told he will not have a heart attack because of that blockage (that ship has sailed according to the doctor) However, if another artery blocks there will be a very serious situation..So of course every change in the norm, up sets me and I head for the refrig.
I have been mindful by keeping the house stocked with only good, healthy foods. This way my choices are easy.
However when Krista comes to visit and brings her parents the fattening snacks, cookies, cakes and ice cream flow like rain (something we've had far too much of, rain that is) It has been difficult to say the least. Emotional eating comes easy...the fact that weight loss slowed down a bit isn't helping...but I know why and I know how to fix it....I just need to get back into my normal routine.
I did not pass up the BD cake, I doubt I got fat on a small piece of cake...it's all about choices...even with the bad stuff. You can choose to eat a humongous piece or one you can read through...your choice. Speaking only for myself, I respect this program and for the most part follow it to the letter, but I also feel a need to maintain a normal life and not feel deprived. We do not celebrate BD every day. Nor do we have a house full of people every day...Life does return to normal and things do get back on track. I have learned some important lessons along the way and one is not to beat myself up over small issues and bad choices. Yes I could have said no to the small pc. of cake, but I didn't, so what? It does not mean an old habit is back it simply means my emotions got the better of me...No biggie....I am aware of what I did and was aware of doing it. In fact I had to laugh at myself with my tiny fork, telling myself to eat slowly and chew LOL...Chew cake? Was I serious?
It was wonderful having my children here. David brought his Mom and dad up just for the day (they will return next week for longer) They are all a big help and fun to have around. Robyn even helped stuff Butterflies. These are the moments in life you can not repeat.
There are better things to dwell on rather then momentary failure. Like when my Grandson walked through the door and said "WOW!! Grandma you look awesome!!!", now that's something to dwell on. It has been a fantastic journey and yes, even I have hit some bumps but nothing worth complaining about or crying over. I never lose sight of the prize and being "awesome" in my Grandsons eyes makes this journey all worth while....
For those of you taking this same journey...Focus on the prize and not the failure of one day. There are beautiful days ahead....I just got my next package of new clothes..Large..it's been a long time since I could fit nicely into a Large and since i could buy off the rack...Talk about a PRIZE!!!
My Hidden Treasure
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Statistic's
Isn't it funny how we have so much faith in statistic's and yet we never seem to question how they are formulated or what facts they are based on. I found a very interesting article while looking up statistic's regarding the less invasive surgery I hope Rich will choose. I hope anyone that has been fearful of gastric bypass will read this and be far less fearful. Speaking for myself, it still beats having a hunk of plastic stuck in your body for life (unless you can afford to have it removed somewhere down the line...but then why bother?)
Regarding Surgical Mortality Statistics
By G. Wesley Clark, MD, bariatric surgeon, San Diego, CA(co. 2003, reprinted by permission of the author)
I am a weight-loss surgeon, with an experience of over 2000 operations, over the last 17 years. I was an originator of the Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass, Roux en-Y. My personal mortality is about 1:1000 for the laparoscopic procedure, somewhat higher for the open operation (not because the operation is more dangerous that way, but because more high-risk patients must be done by that method). I have the advantage of operating in a hospital where the entire team has experience, and where we have special equipment for the obese patient.Mortality from surgery is usually determined by taking mortality from all causes within 30 days of the operation. For example, if one had a minor and safe operation, and was run down by a beer truck 27 days later, it would be considered a surgical mortality, even though it is apparently not related to the operation. This is a very stringent method, but eliminates any judgments about whether or not the death was caused by the operation. This method may overstate mortality from a safer operation: if one gets better fast, and is more active, there is a slightly greater chance of death from an unrelated cause, due to activity. On the other hand, a patient with severe surgical complications might survive for several months before expiring, and not be counted. That’s the problem with statistics. Low mortality rates for 3 days after surgery are very misleading. Even the patient with a severe sepsis, or a brain-death, will usually survive for that long, and not be counted against the surgery.The most commonly cited mortality rate for bariatric surgical operations, across the United States, is 0.5%. That looks pretty good, till you do the math and realize that means about 1 out of 200 patients will experience a fatal result. This increased risk arises from numerous factors, and is not just for bariatric surgery, but any surgery performed on a very obese patient. I call this the “fat penalty”. The increased mortality arises from numerous factors:
Anesthetic Risk Most anesthesiologists shudder to see an obese person on their table. They know it may be very difficult to insert the anesthetic tube into the airway, and very dangerous if it comes out too soon. Ventilator pressures must be set a lot higher, because of the weight of the chest. Drugs and anesthetic gases may be absorbed by the fat, requiring much higher doses to take effect, and much longer to be eliminated when they are no longer needed. Obese patients don’t breath well to begin with (they get out-of-breath from simple daily activities), and may have much more difficulty after surgery. Moving an unconscious patient is always difficult and tricky, but can be much more so when the patient weighs 400 pounds. Our hospital has special equipment to assist with this and make it safer. You want a highly skilled anesthesiologist, experienced with treating obese patients.
Surgical “Degree of Difficulty”Obese persons are much more difficult for the surgeon to operate upon. Normally, the abdominal organs are all fitted together, with no space between them. In order for the surgeon to see to operate, they must be separated and held apart in some way – this is called “surgical exposure”. Exposure can be very challenging to achieve and maintain, when there are large amounts of fat constantly slipping and sliding about, and getting in the way. Fat on the surface of the organs may make it harder to place sutures accurately.The abdominal wall may be 4 – 5 inches thick in the obese patient. That means that ordinary surgical instruments won’t reach, and we have to use extra-long instruments, which are much harder to learn to manipulate precisely. That’s why you want a highly skilled and experienced Bariatric Surgeon.
Surgical ComplicationsObese persons have a much higher rate of complications. Obesity is a risk factor for Pulmonary Embolism, which is often fatal. Post-operative Pneumonia is also more likely in the obese. Wound infections are considered more likely, and because of the size and depth of the wound, can be very challenging to heal. Complications can be much harder to diagnose and manage in the obese patient. For example, X-Rays do not penetrate as well, and the pictures are less clear. Very large patients will not fit in some equipment, such as the CT scanner.Many surgeons with limited experience in surgery of the obese patient will decline to operate on an obese person, even when the indications are there, because of their perception of the increased risk, and the altered risk/benefit ratio. Many transplant surgeons will refuse to transplant organs in an obese patient (not overtly, they just never seem to find the right organ match). Many orthopedic surgeons decline to do joint replacements, especially knees, in obese persons. All surgery carries risks, and all surgeons have patients who experience complications, even when surgery is done "perfectly". When a complication occurs, the most important factor in determining mortality, I believe, is the experience, knowledge and skill of the treatment team.
What about the Benefits?
One should only seek Bariatric Surgery to protect or to restore health. It is not a cosmetic operation, although it has some pleasant side-benefits. To decide whether Bariatric Surgery is right for you, the risks and the benefits should be understood, and weighed one against the other. We do that all the time in life, usually without realizing it. (I ride a motorcycle, even though I know it’s risky, because I get such a high from it. I don’t eat sushi, because I don’t like it that much, and raw fish can have bad things in it). The benefits of bariatric surgery, beyond a lighter weight and smaller dress size, have been relatively poorly demonstrated in the surgical literature. We found (and published) that in our first 500 Laparoscopic Gastric Bypasses, there were 1572 major co-morbidities (health problems related to obesity) --over 3 per patient, on the average. Following surgery, one year later, these were reduced by 96%. Ninety-six percent of the obesity-related health problems were gone. Of 80 diabetics, only one continued to require any medication. Risk factors for cardiac disease were dramatically reduced. Arthritic symptoms almost disappeared, and even when some joint pain remained, it was much lessened. Dr. Kenneth McDonald has published a study of diabetics who undergo bariatric surgery, and showed a 75% reduction in mortality after surgery (even including a slightly higher than average surgical mortality). That's the kind of results that justifies the risk of the operation -- my wife had a Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass 3 years ago, on my recommendation, and I'd be on the table next week myself, if I met the basic weight criteria, or if I developed Diabetes. I started out years ago as a General Surgeon, taking out gallbladders, removing breasts, cutting out cancers. Nothing compares to the thrill I get when my patients return to me a year later, and want to hug me (no woman ever hugged me for taking her breast off). They've changed into beautiful butterflies, excited with their new lives, able to do things they never dared to dream about before. I became a physician, because I dreamt of healing people. I found my way to heal, and I love it.G. Wesley Clark, MDSan Diego
Regarding Surgical Mortality Statistics
By G. Wesley Clark, MD, bariatric surgeon, San Diego, CA(co. 2003, reprinted by permission of the author)
I am a weight-loss surgeon, with an experience of over 2000 operations, over the last 17 years. I was an originator of the Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass, Roux en-Y. My personal mortality is about 1:1000 for the laparoscopic procedure, somewhat higher for the open operation (not because the operation is more dangerous that way, but because more high-risk patients must be done by that method). I have the advantage of operating in a hospital where the entire team has experience, and where we have special equipment for the obese patient.Mortality from surgery is usually determined by taking mortality from all causes within 30 days of the operation. For example, if one had a minor and safe operation, and was run down by a beer truck 27 days later, it would be considered a surgical mortality, even though it is apparently not related to the operation. This is a very stringent method, but eliminates any judgments about whether or not the death was caused by the operation. This method may overstate mortality from a safer operation: if one gets better fast, and is more active, there is a slightly greater chance of death from an unrelated cause, due to activity. On the other hand, a patient with severe surgical complications might survive for several months before expiring, and not be counted. That’s the problem with statistics. Low mortality rates for 3 days after surgery are very misleading. Even the patient with a severe sepsis, or a brain-death, will usually survive for that long, and not be counted against the surgery.The most commonly cited mortality rate for bariatric surgical operations, across the United States, is 0.5%. That looks pretty good, till you do the math and realize that means about 1 out of 200 patients will experience a fatal result. This increased risk arises from numerous factors, and is not just for bariatric surgery, but any surgery performed on a very obese patient. I call this the “fat penalty”. The increased mortality arises from numerous factors:
Anesthetic Risk Most anesthesiologists shudder to see an obese person on their table. They know it may be very difficult to insert the anesthetic tube into the airway, and very dangerous if it comes out too soon. Ventilator pressures must be set a lot higher, because of the weight of the chest. Drugs and anesthetic gases may be absorbed by the fat, requiring much higher doses to take effect, and much longer to be eliminated when they are no longer needed. Obese patients don’t breath well to begin with (they get out-of-breath from simple daily activities), and may have much more difficulty after surgery. Moving an unconscious patient is always difficult and tricky, but can be much more so when the patient weighs 400 pounds. Our hospital has special equipment to assist with this and make it safer. You want a highly skilled anesthesiologist, experienced with treating obese patients.
Surgical “Degree of Difficulty”Obese persons are much more difficult for the surgeon to operate upon. Normally, the abdominal organs are all fitted together, with no space between them. In order for the surgeon to see to operate, they must be separated and held apart in some way – this is called “surgical exposure”. Exposure can be very challenging to achieve and maintain, when there are large amounts of fat constantly slipping and sliding about, and getting in the way. Fat on the surface of the organs may make it harder to place sutures accurately.The abdominal wall may be 4 – 5 inches thick in the obese patient. That means that ordinary surgical instruments won’t reach, and we have to use extra-long instruments, which are much harder to learn to manipulate precisely. That’s why you want a highly skilled and experienced Bariatric Surgeon.
Surgical ComplicationsObese persons have a much higher rate of complications. Obesity is a risk factor for Pulmonary Embolism, which is often fatal. Post-operative Pneumonia is also more likely in the obese. Wound infections are considered more likely, and because of the size and depth of the wound, can be very challenging to heal. Complications can be much harder to diagnose and manage in the obese patient. For example, X-Rays do not penetrate as well, and the pictures are less clear. Very large patients will not fit in some equipment, such as the CT scanner.Many surgeons with limited experience in surgery of the obese patient will decline to operate on an obese person, even when the indications are there, because of their perception of the increased risk, and the altered risk/benefit ratio. Many transplant surgeons will refuse to transplant organs in an obese patient (not overtly, they just never seem to find the right organ match). Many orthopedic surgeons decline to do joint replacements, especially knees, in obese persons. All surgery carries risks, and all surgeons have patients who experience complications, even when surgery is done "perfectly". When a complication occurs, the most important factor in determining mortality, I believe, is the experience, knowledge and skill of the treatment team.
What about the Benefits?
One should only seek Bariatric Surgery to protect or to restore health. It is not a cosmetic operation, although it has some pleasant side-benefits. To decide whether Bariatric Surgery is right for you, the risks and the benefits should be understood, and weighed one against the other. We do that all the time in life, usually without realizing it. (I ride a motorcycle, even though I know it’s risky, because I get such a high from it. I don’t eat sushi, because I don’t like it that much, and raw fish can have bad things in it). The benefits of bariatric surgery, beyond a lighter weight and smaller dress size, have been relatively poorly demonstrated in the surgical literature. We found (and published) that in our first 500 Laparoscopic Gastric Bypasses, there were 1572 major co-morbidities (health problems related to obesity) --over 3 per patient, on the average. Following surgery, one year later, these were reduced by 96%. Ninety-six percent of the obesity-related health problems were gone. Of 80 diabetics, only one continued to require any medication. Risk factors for cardiac disease were dramatically reduced. Arthritic symptoms almost disappeared, and even when some joint pain remained, it was much lessened. Dr. Kenneth McDonald has published a study of diabetics who undergo bariatric surgery, and showed a 75% reduction in mortality after surgery (even including a slightly higher than average surgical mortality). That's the kind of results that justifies the risk of the operation -- my wife had a Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass 3 years ago, on my recommendation, and I'd be on the table next week myself, if I met the basic weight criteria, or if I developed Diabetes. I started out years ago as a General Surgeon, taking out gallbladders, removing breasts, cutting out cancers. Nothing compares to the thrill I get when my patients return to me a year later, and want to hug me (no woman ever hugged me for taking her breast off). They've changed into beautiful butterflies, excited with their new lives, able to do things they never dared to dream about before. I became a physician, because I dreamt of healing people. I found my way to heal, and I love it.G. Wesley Clark, MDSan Diego
Friday, June 26, 2009
Lucky Lady
Every once in a while I go back and read the comments left here. It is always a reminder to me, how truly lucky I am. (I also save heartfelt e-mails for those of you who don't leave comments here, although I wish you would) Through out my life I have met the most amazing earth bound Angels, most of which I don't see or talk to everyday, but somehow they always seem to drift back into my life when I need them most. There is that constant reassurance that there is really no time in my life that I walk alone.The past 10 years or so have been hard, filled with so many unknowns, pain, fear,loss, discord and anxiety...The only thing constant, it seems, was our love (mine and Richards) for each other and the love and support of friends.We do not always understand the events of our lives, why they happen or exactly how to deal with them, but it seems to me that with LOVE, all things are possible. I think the key to my obesity was my unwillingness to Love myself, to see myself as others saw me...to them I was actually worth something. I was unable or unwilling to embrace the warmth of others, I lacked trust (for so many reasons) But all things happen in time, even ones own awakening.I see so many people, now that I am involved in the WLS program, who are struggling with so many questions...Like me, they think their problems are so unique, their reason for obesity so different from others, their pains and struggles like none other...but truth be known, we aren't quite as unique as we think we are...We all suffer pain, we all have to deal with loss, we all have problems that seem like the very worst, tragedy hits ALL our lives. So do many blessing, but we are usually so wrapped up in the turmoil of life that we do not embrace those blessings...Some of you figured this out long before I did, it took me a while to see the smiles on those suffering, the offer of help from those needing help themselves...but I've got it and I want to thank those of you who showed me the way. I admire you for your courage and I thank you for that wisdom that I can now pay it forward....I do not see or hear from most of you, but it is a comfort to know you are there...I am truly a very Lucky Lady........
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
I'd Do it again
There are many things in life I would not repeat if I had a chance to "do over", but this surgery is something I would do again in a heart beat. It has changed my life so drastically it is like being reborn..It's more then weight loss, it's all about good health, restored energy and diminished pain.
There is a girl in our group, one who had By-pass surgery many years ago. Each time I hear her story my heart breaks. I have no idea why things went wrong for her, but they did, they went terribly wrong and she ended up with many surgeries and a feeding tube. She has had to deal with a great deal of pain. Sure she has lost over 200 pounds but what a horrible way to get there. When I decided to have by-pass surgery and then heard her story, heard another person needing 14 pints of blood..it gave me reason to pause and reflect on the down side of any surgery...Things can and DO go wrong. What really hit home however, is that both people said they would do it all again. Even after all of that, they would still choose surgery for WL.
That screamed at me. I also took into consideration that they both had surgery many years ago...like all surgical techniques, RNY has gotten better over the years with far less BAD results.
I was truly blessed with a wonderful surgical outcome...many of my sisters and brothers within the group have had the same outcome as I...in fact we hear more negative outcomes with the band lately then with RNY...that is my observation, not a statistic.
This is no walk in the park. You don't have surgery, melt away and live happily ever after. It is ONE day at a time...remembering a commitment...one day at a time...learning to eat a whole new way, breaking old habits...it is a difficult journey, but one worth taking.
Have I had bad days? You bet I have... I've had times, after eating too fast or too big of a piece that I thought I wanted to die...it didn't last long but for the few minutes the pain was there, it was agonizing....You bear it , you move on and try to be aware not to make the same mistake...but old habits die hard.
Rich saw his cardiologist yesterday. I mentioned the less invasive procedure I had read about where they make a small incision and work through that to make the by-pass connection. We were told they do that in Albany, so that's the next stop.
I have had good luck with laporoscopy surgeries, knee's, gallbladder and now By-pass, so I have a tremendous amount of faith in the technology. Can it be done in Rich's case, is it safe? These are questions that will be answered in time.
We all have to find our own way when it comes to surgeries.The first step is believing in yourself and your abilities and then trusting God and your surgeon. I pray Rich finds the same comfort in his choice that I have.
Once again I thank all of you for your support and prayers......
There is a girl in our group, one who had By-pass surgery many years ago. Each time I hear her story my heart breaks. I have no idea why things went wrong for her, but they did, they went terribly wrong and she ended up with many surgeries and a feeding tube. She has had to deal with a great deal of pain. Sure she has lost over 200 pounds but what a horrible way to get there. When I decided to have by-pass surgery and then heard her story, heard another person needing 14 pints of blood..it gave me reason to pause and reflect on the down side of any surgery...Things can and DO go wrong. What really hit home however, is that both people said they would do it all again. Even after all of that, they would still choose surgery for WL.
That screamed at me. I also took into consideration that they both had surgery many years ago...like all surgical techniques, RNY has gotten better over the years with far less BAD results.
I was truly blessed with a wonderful surgical outcome...many of my sisters and brothers within the group have had the same outcome as I...in fact we hear more negative outcomes with the band lately then with RNY...that is my observation, not a statistic.
This is no walk in the park. You don't have surgery, melt away and live happily ever after. It is ONE day at a time...remembering a commitment...one day at a time...learning to eat a whole new way, breaking old habits...it is a difficult journey, but one worth taking.
Have I had bad days? You bet I have... I've had times, after eating too fast or too big of a piece that I thought I wanted to die...it didn't last long but for the few minutes the pain was there, it was agonizing....You bear it , you move on and try to be aware not to make the same mistake...but old habits die hard.
Rich saw his cardiologist yesterday. I mentioned the less invasive procedure I had read about where they make a small incision and work through that to make the by-pass connection. We were told they do that in Albany, so that's the next stop.
I have had good luck with laporoscopy surgeries, knee's, gallbladder and now By-pass, so I have a tremendous amount of faith in the technology. Can it be done in Rich's case, is it safe? These are questions that will be answered in time.
We all have to find our own way when it comes to surgeries.The first step is believing in yourself and your abilities and then trusting God and your surgeon. I pray Rich finds the same comfort in his choice that I have.
Once again I thank all of you for your support and prayers......
Saturday, June 20, 2009
A NIce Visit
Thursday we got a wonderful surprise. Robyn called to say she was taking a drive in the country, I asked were she was and low and behold she was up here. She took the ride with her best friend Elspeth (a bit of an adopted daughter) they've been friends forever.
I think it did wonders for Rich to get his mind of things and once again have the house filled with idle chatter that only young females can bring.
I got a Mothers Day gift of Mary Kay product (which I desperately need right now) and Rich got a Fathers Day gift of Americana things for the kitchen, place mats, pot holders....He loves Americana things.
I took the girls to the Amish Market so Elspeth could get spices for her Cook crazy daughter, and Robyn got some good hearty food..She is looking just lovely, she's lost 30 some odd pounds and has a lot more energy. She goes to a gym and has a personal trainer so her head is where it should be for success. We are very proud of her.
She also surprised us by coming up in their new car, a Jeep Cherokee..It's used but beautifully taken car of, looks like one of our trade In's LOL I'm so glad they have it, now there are no excuses not to visit in winter :-)
It was a nice break from our norm and I was sorry they couldn't stay over night.Yesterday was right back to work on my studio. I was so happy at the end of the day that I actually put a dent in the organization.
The rain has forced Rich to slow down a bit and do some inside work, so that's something to be thankful for.
Thank you every one who has left messages here as well as private e-mails...I am truly blessed having so many Angels in my life, I don't know what I would do without your support and prayers.
I think it did wonders for Rich to get his mind of things and once again have the house filled with idle chatter that only young females can bring.
I got a Mothers Day gift of Mary Kay product (which I desperately need right now) and Rich got a Fathers Day gift of Americana things for the kitchen, place mats, pot holders....He loves Americana things.
I took the girls to the Amish Market so Elspeth could get spices for her Cook crazy daughter, and Robyn got some good hearty food..She is looking just lovely, she's lost 30 some odd pounds and has a lot more energy. She goes to a gym and has a personal trainer so her head is where it should be for success. We are very proud of her.
She also surprised us by coming up in their new car, a Jeep Cherokee..It's used but beautifully taken car of, looks like one of our trade In's LOL I'm so glad they have it, now there are no excuses not to visit in winter :-)
It was a nice break from our norm and I was sorry they couldn't stay over night.Yesterday was right back to work on my studio. I was so happy at the end of the day that I actually put a dent in the organization.
The rain has forced Rich to slow down a bit and do some inside work, so that's something to be thankful for.
Thank you every one who has left messages here as well as private e-mails...I am truly blessed having so many Angels in my life, I don't know what I would do without your support and prayers.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Gods only child...
Each morning I have some what of a routine (heaven forbid I do anything the same way twice). During my early morning walk with my dogs up to feed my peacocks and open their gate (BTW I used to need the MULE to make it up that hill) I usually reflect on my day, I thank God for bringing me to a place that I see as an earthly paradise, I ask that he lessen the burden for those less fortunate and bring peace and happiness to those I love and cherish.
I have to put my "girls" (my two Labs) away before my visit to the pond because I have one that thinks it's her private tub and can't resist taking a bath. I visit the pond to say Good morning to a trained Large Mouth Bass (no kidding, he comes when he is called and as I walk around the pond he follows me) Popeye and all his buddies...I usually bring up some worms for him as well as pond food for everyone. The pond is peaceful and it is my very most favorite place to talk to God. We have a nice relationship, I try to please him by my thoughts and deeds and he responds with the most wonderful of gifts, spiritual of course, but ones that are far more important then material things. I can feel his arms around me when I am sad and alone in my thoughts, I feel the warmth in my heart and a peace, even in the most troubled of times.
Sometimes I feel like an only child :-)
This morning I found myself apologizing...yesterday I was angry, very angry...Like any spoiled child that I have ever known I told my "Father" he wasn't fair, he was mean and hurtful..How could he do this to a man who had always lived such a good life..? Helping those in need, putting his life on the line for people he didn't even know, being the best father he knew how to be and certainly being the best husband any one could ask for. I know we were tested and then tested again...but we've passed every test life could throw at us...we've been blessed and we are grateful for those blessing EVERY DAY!!! So why him? Why not me? I'm good at facing crap like this...maybe because I believe so strongly in my "Fathers" love...(or maybe because I know he isn't ready to put up with me on a steady basis just yet) I certainly am no stranger to pain or surgery and I would gladly take his place if it could be worked out that way...Rich knows this is not a good situation...We know of no one who has had an LAD blockage...many who have had by-pass surgery, valve replacement etc...and all of those are life threatening, all survived...So why make his the worst, on top of having heart problems at all? Yeah I was angry! Rich doesn't deserve this..he doesn't deserve the fear he feels right now nor does he deserve the pain of the aftermath...I was outraged!!!
So this morning I found myself apologizing and could almost see God smiling...the sun shown through the clouds and warmed my face like a kiss....a peace came over me and in my heart I knew not to question. I am not Gods only child (I told him I knew that) Many of his children suffer hardships and pain far worse then I ever have...I began to think of all the things that COULD have happened to both Rich and I over the years and realized that , although this was a terrible shock and although this has both of us pretty scared it's nothing compared to the slide show in my mind. So I left my peaceful place at the pond to go down and greet my animals in the barn and begin my day... No I am not Gods only child , but I thanked him for making me feel like I am and never giving up on me, even when I give up on myself.......(thanks to those who have left comments and to those who have written such beautiful heartfelt e-mail...you are all among my greatest blessing)
I have to put my "girls" (my two Labs) away before my visit to the pond because I have one that thinks it's her private tub and can't resist taking a bath. I visit the pond to say Good morning to a trained Large Mouth Bass (no kidding, he comes when he is called and as I walk around the pond he follows me) Popeye and all his buddies...I usually bring up some worms for him as well as pond food for everyone. The pond is peaceful and it is my very most favorite place to talk to God. We have a nice relationship, I try to please him by my thoughts and deeds and he responds with the most wonderful of gifts, spiritual of course, but ones that are far more important then material things. I can feel his arms around me when I am sad and alone in my thoughts, I feel the warmth in my heart and a peace, even in the most troubled of times.
Sometimes I feel like an only child :-)
This morning I found myself apologizing...yesterday I was angry, very angry...Like any spoiled child that I have ever known I told my "Father" he wasn't fair, he was mean and hurtful..How could he do this to a man who had always lived such a good life..? Helping those in need, putting his life on the line for people he didn't even know, being the best father he knew how to be and certainly being the best husband any one could ask for. I know we were tested and then tested again...but we've passed every test life could throw at us...we've been blessed and we are grateful for those blessing EVERY DAY!!! So why him? Why not me? I'm good at facing crap like this...maybe because I believe so strongly in my "Fathers" love...(or maybe because I know he isn't ready to put up with me on a steady basis just yet) I certainly am no stranger to pain or surgery and I would gladly take his place if it could be worked out that way...Rich knows this is not a good situation...We know of no one who has had an LAD blockage...many who have had by-pass surgery, valve replacement etc...and all of those are life threatening, all survived...So why make his the worst, on top of having heart problems at all? Yeah I was angry! Rich doesn't deserve this..he doesn't deserve the fear he feels right now nor does he deserve the pain of the aftermath...I was outraged!!!
So this morning I found myself apologizing and could almost see God smiling...the sun shown through the clouds and warmed my face like a kiss....a peace came over me and in my heart I knew not to question. I am not Gods only child (I told him I knew that) Many of his children suffer hardships and pain far worse then I ever have...I began to think of all the things that COULD have happened to both Rich and I over the years and realized that , although this was a terrible shock and although this has both of us pretty scared it's nothing compared to the slide show in my mind. So I left my peaceful place at the pond to go down and greet my animals in the barn and begin my day... No I am not Gods only child , but I thanked him for making me feel like I am and never giving up on me, even when I give up on myself.......(thanks to those who have left comments and to those who have written such beautiful heartfelt e-mail...you are all among my greatest blessing)
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