Goodbye to Company

Well it has been a busy week, in spite of how my foot is feeling I was able to do shopping with Karen and Krista for some school clothes. Gosh the outfits they have for girls these days are frightening...
Karen and Krista both helped me with my studio. I've got some new cubies and that one thing people can do for me...refold fabric so it fits into the cubies. It is starting to look like it once did and that makes me very happy. I've got a long way to go and promised myself instead of facing it for 8 to 10 hours...I will get as much done in an hour as I can and then move on to things that are more fun. I will also dedicate 2 hours a day to Christmas gifts..I have plenty of time, so hopefully that plan will work.
The kids left early thins morning in the pouring rain...Rain always makes me tired but I had so much to catch up on I didn't get to go back to bed...However, it is still raining and I think a nap is in order...I now understand why God doesn't want "older women" to have babies...It's fine when they are baby babies...but when they grow older, you need a great deal of extra energy and stamina...Perhaps I just have a much quieter existence now...What ever the case...It NAP TIME!!!

Rough Road

That it has been for the past few weeks. It is tough trying to do all I usually do with ease, limping along and doing it much slower.
As I have said many times. The reason I did not get the band , is because I have no patience with myself. This carries over in other aspects of my life. I want everything done yesterday and everything PERFECT...LOL I laugh when I write that because my students tell me if there is one word they associate with me it's "Perfect", not that I am...but every time they make a block or sew a row that looks the way it should, I say "Perfect!!", when they feel it is far from it...
I have always been a perfectionist when it comes to things I do. Yet I don't expect people around me to be perfect...and I'm very accepting of the fact that "No one is perfect"...Yet I put a great demand on myself to exceed my limits, thus causing myself stress where there shouldn't be.
I've been working on that. People around me are a great help. I see those who are so far from perfect it is pathetic (although they think they are), yet everything is just "fine", they see perfection in everything they do and it amazes me...It's like "Hellooooo" but then I realize it is all part of their happiness within themselves...Say you are perfect and you are...that kind of rationalization....
I'm cranky with myself...not sure why..The pain I am in is bound to cease. Most pain does. The fact that I can' take anything that will calm it was my own choice back in Oct of 2008. So what the hell am I complaining about?
See that's why I write everything down. I look at what I've written and realize just how well off I am. If life did not have pain, how would we know when we weren't in pain? It is an acceptable fact of life to me...So why am I bitching? I guess because it slows me up and I don't like being slow. I also have a great deal ahead of me...making Christmas gifts, a few Fairs Marilyn and I would like to participate in, classes to schedule..Perhaps I should concentrate on one thing, instead of the whole picture....Then it won't be so overwhelming...
Today I will work some more on my studio with Krista's help.She has been very good about packing up fabric for me so I can reorganize. It's quite a chore...
WOW!! Writing things down really does make a body feel better, even lighter....aaaaaaahhhh

Recon surgery

I went to a seminar last night regarding reconstructive surgery. No, I am not looking for a brain transplant or a gorgeous 20 year old body (wouldn't that be nice?) I'm looking to have excess skin removed...skin that causes problems...belly flap and arms are the biggest problem. Yes even weight loss has it's problems.
There are those who say, because of rapid weight loss we end up with all this loose skin...as opposed to slow weight loss which will leave firm skin...That's Bullshit, plain and simple...even when a young person loses weight fast they are able to firm up the skin that is still elastic...The older you are the less elasticity you have in your skin , so any weight loss, regardless of how long it takes or doesn't take, will leave you with excess skin hanging.
Some people, mostly woman, try and trick their minds into believing they are still young enough to have the surgery and come away looking firm and physically fit. Trust me , I know a few of them and they neither look young, nor firm. There is nothing worse then a person who refuses to grow old gracefully. I think it is far better to be a good looking old person then an old bag trying to look like she's 20 again. Those days are over baby...
Last night they showed pictures...no faces and let me tell you, any one of them could have been me...Like bodies full of cottage cheese and saggy skin...My problem was with the end result, it wasn't pretty. Even the PN giving the talk said it makes people tubular rather then naturally curvy. The cutting is extensive, you're sent home with drains, which have to be uncomfortable if not annoying...then there are the scars to deal with, which also weren't all that pretty. Forget the boob jobs...I'll keep my pancakes, anyone looking at a woman over 40 , knows those perky boobs are phony, so why bother? Even implants will eventually pull the breast down, I've seen it, and that REALLY ain't pretty. So what is my decision about reconstructive surgery? I think the penniculus has to go (belly flap) for health reasons...the arms? Well they are a PITA trying to fit into a smaller size blouse...So, if I do decide to go through with this, and that's a big IF right now...That's all I will have done...my boobs are fine in a bra and my legs are okay in pants..Face? hey I've earned my wrinkles, they give my face the character and show experience of my years on this earth, so I'm keeping the face God gave me. I have yet to see anyone with a face lift that doesn't look phony..We expect wrinkles with age and we expect to see them on other people...I think they are beautiful.
So that's my take on plastic surgery...vanity thy name is NOT Kathie LOL

In a RUT

It isn't a good place to be and I don't usually go there...but between this chronic, unacceptable pain, the fact that I cannot do my normal exercise or activities and seeing work that I can't do just piling up...guess a rut is inevitable....

Thank God for understanding friends (pain has made me ugly) and a husband that understands (did I mention pain makes me ugly?) and my animals who give unconditional love regardless of how ugly I get...The more time I spend around those happy , loving little critters the happier I feel.
I also realize "this too shall pass"..it is the waiting that is driving me nuts. The place that custom makes (by hand) the orthotic's I will be wearing, closes for two weeks...You guessed it, it was the day before I went to the doc that they closed. I will supposedly be put at the top of the list...Once they are made, my therapy will begin, the orthotic's will go into new shoes, so I will be all NEW...
I know this will work. He mentioned the pain numerous times, but I'm thinking 'how much worse can it be?'... Rich is more worried then I am. What ever I have to endure will be worth it if the final results is No surgery and No pain...
It has been difficult to keep my mind focused, the pain consumes me at times. I found myself thinking about 3 different doctors who told me that if I could take anti-inflammatory I'd be better off...Am I sorry I can't take them? NO!! I'd be much worse off 135 pounds heavier..The drug companies will just have to find an alternative...God knows there are enough of us out there to warrant a new medication. This is just one of those BUMPS we all talk about...in time I won't even remember going down this road much less feeling a bump.....
Ya just gotta believe.............

A New Saga Begins

Do you believe in "Divine Intervention" I have to, because it has happened too many times in my life, not to believe.
I made an appointment with a surgeon down in Manhattan as my orthopedist requested. This man is the best of the best, or so I've been told. I am apprehensive about surgery on the Achilles tendon because of the long recuperation..plus the fact that it sometimes doesn't work.
Rich is rarely up at 5 in the morning, but he was last week at the same time I was. he put on TV while I made coffee and it opens with a woman who looks like me, walking like me and then goes on to explain her condition, which was the same as mine....She is now back to normal, without surgery. "Hmmm" Rich and I said at the same time...we both agreed that this doc was worth a shot.
I got to see him, he is a Podiatric surgeon, but has alternatives to surgery. He looked at my MRI, was honest about the fact that I may indeed need surgery, the damage to my tendon is extreme. Then he asked me how the heck I was walking around, since there is also something going on with the bottom tendon of my foot. The exam was painful.
He explained the alternative treatment and stressed numerous times how extremely painful it is, because it is dealing with nerves, muscle and blood flow. He was looking for a reaction...he got one from Rich, who kept wincing. Finally he questioned my lack of concern...As I have explained to anyone who has ever asked...any pain required to make me better is endurable..no matter how intense...I've had many years of practice, back to when I was a small child, of learning to go to another place when pain is being inflicted. While the pain issue was grim...the over all results of this technique is nothing short of miraculous..It is certainly worth a shot. It's expensive and my insurance will not cover everything. Rich says I'm "worth it". That's nice to hear, but I do have limits...if I feel the treatment is not working I will then see the surgeon and go forward with that. For now, I believe there is a reason that commercial was on at exactly the time Rich turned on the TV. I have looked into this doctor and he is board certified, and has an extensive background in what he does. He has been a surgeon for 32 years and what I admire most about him...well there were a few things...One: You will seldom hear a surgeon admit to performing "unnecessary surgeries" he did, although he didn't know it at the time, but he admitted it .Two: it is rare to find a doctor who will stay with you for 4 hours..yup 4 *&^%$ hours...all except 40 min of that time he spent explaining and examining . I appreciate a doctor who will give that much of himself..He did run out of the room twice to check on another patient and he did ask for two patients to be called and rescheduled. I told him he better not do that to me, since I'm coming from an hour away. he assured me, it was only because he needed more time with me then usual. I felt good about him and what he had to say, so did Rich...all else remains to be seen.
When I told him about my Gastric By-pass he was thrilled, said the Doc that recommended it was "right on". He is sure my weight contributed to this condition...so am I.
I want to scream it from the roof tops to every heavy person out there "WAKE UP, the extra weight on your body is doing more damage then you could possibly know.....
Stay tuned.....

A Fish Tale

When we first acquired this little piece of heaven, we were very happy to find fish in the pond.
It had been long establish so the fish were a pretty good size. Before it was stocked with bass, there were Bullheads in the smaller natural pond. When it was enlarged, the bullheads grew to an enormous size..It amazed me when I first saw the one come to the surface, it looked like a small shark...about 2 feet in length. Among all the fish I saw one that had a white eye, it was obviously damaged along the way, but he was pretty big and seemed to be the "leader" so I called him Popeye...
As time went on I developed a relationship with Popeye, I yell his name and he would come to be fed worms. he made sure all the other fish stayed back. NO ONE stood between Popeye and me.
People who would visit would be amazed that he would come to his name and then follow me as I walked around the pond.
Each Spring I dreaded going up to see the fish awaken, always afraid that Popeye wouldn't be there...But always, there he was with his perpetual smile, waiting for his worms. Imagine me digging each morning for worms LOL but I did because he is so very special.
I used to allow Catch and release until I found a small dead fish with a torn mouth, then all fishing stopped. Popeye became quite the center of attraction for the kids...
This Spring I was a bit upset for about a week, Popeye seemed to be listing to one side and allowing other fish to take his worms...but then there he was in all his glory chasing them all away and coming back for his daily feast... I noticed that every so often he would allow one other, rather large bass, share in the worms...I wondered if he wasn't passing the torch.
Monday as I fed him, he sort of backed away and let the other fish have his share of the worms...I knew in my heart, there was a reason. That would be Popeye's final swim and his final good morning...yesterday Popeye lay floating in his exact feeding spot...The spot he would swim to every morning when I called his name. Yes I cried...silly fish...as near as we can tell because of the time the pond was stocked, Popeye as around 22 years old. A good life for a fish..I'd like to think I extended it with all that good protein I gave him... he had a very happy life .
It hasn't been a good year for the older animals here in paradise...but it's expected...nothing lives forever...except maybe in our hearts. Popeye has a special place there and I will miss him. Especially next Spring...

More on Pain

There has been many discussion of late about pain. I've come to the conclusion that NO pain is as horrible as YOUR pain. Did you ever hear women discussing childbirth? One will explain her pain and the 4 hours she was in labor, there is always another who was in labor longer and experienced more pain...I walk away from those discussions..frankly I do not recall the pain, although I know it was intense, it was worth it and I refuse to play can you top this when it comes to pain.
I have a scale I use for my own pain..just for my own reference and not to make myself look like some kind of hero because it seems I endure more then someone else. A severe gall bladder attack is right on the top of my list with kidney pain. Joint pain is fairly low on that scale, it's endurable...I'd say a toothache is up near Kidney pain...I don't like toothaches..I don't like any pain that is associated with nerves. When I had a cardio catherization I was forced to endure one of the worst nerve pains I have ever felt, 20 min seemed like 20 hours...it is a pain and an experience I doubt I will ever forget. It was done through my wrist and extensive damage was done. I hope the doctor who did it burns in hell...Hows that for pain!!!?
I listen to people whine and complain about superficial pain like it is the end of their world. My tolerance to those people is pretty close to ZERO when I consider the pain I have seen small children endure in the burn unit of Shriners Hospital or the cancer unit of St. Jude...not to mention the pain of the faces of their parents, parents who would surly suffer themselves to have a child who is pain free and still they smile..Parents and children alike, they smile and remain positive.
HOW can anyone cry about their own pain, when you know pain like that exist?
These past months have not been pleasant, I do not like being slowed up, I do not like hurting 24/7 but my pain is nothing on the grand scale of what I have seen. Yes I will bitch about it at times...more out of frustration then anything else. But I think of the pain I've seen and mine becomes so much easier to bear. I am so tired of people playing "Can you Top this"..."My pain is so much worse then yours"," my surgery was so much more extensive then yours...""yeah but they also had to do this , that and the other when I had my CAT scan"...Puhleeze......After you have sustained 3rd degree burns over 75% of your body...after you have endured all kinds of painful treatment for bone cancer that is slowly killing you...then speak to me about your pain..until then SHUT THE HELL UP...and that goes for me too....Pain is a part of life and whining about it doesn't make it go away.So now I will go on to more pleasant thoughts, like what a beautiful day it is and how good that breakfast smells that Rich is cooking for me.......