Time for an UPDATE

Well life never seems to get easier, but it sure is interesting.
I won't know anything regarding the endoscopy for a few weeks. Doc said he wanted to take more biopsy but I started bleeding so bad he couldn't see anything. He wanted to know what meds I was taking...For the first time in 30 years I could say NONE...and I'm not allowed aspirin or any product containing aspirin...so that is a mystery.
Ron and I had Rich at the hospital by 6 am..the long and short of the story is, by 11 am Rich was feeling sick (from anxiety and the diabetes) when I spoke to our nurse she said one of the angioplasties was difficult and set everything back, also Dr. Jamal was the only qualified doc there to do angioplasty...Seems that docs can be certified for angiograms but may not be able to perform angioplasty. When she said we still had "several hours" I thought Rich would pass out...he took his option to go home and reschedule. Ron was livid and wanted him to have it done down on the Island where he would have some control. Rich wanted to walk away completely.
I had to calm down before calling our Cardiologist, told the one girl that regardless of whose protocol was what...leaving a diabetic with out food or drink for 12 hours was unacceptable. I went up the chain of command and when I said my husband was ready to cancel everything , there was panic. It seems Rich is scheduled for an angioplasty based on the results of other test he has taken, stints are a possibility as is open heart surgery and not having it done is NOT an option. I also found out that Dr. Jamal has ALL his patients show up at 6 am regardless of their case number. I told them I don't want any narcissistic heart doctor within 10 feet of my husband.
I rescheduled with Dr. Ramon which is the doc that our Cardiologist wanted to begin with.
Rich and I both believe that all things, good and bad, happen for a reason. We are trusting that he was supposed to have Dr. Ramon and I think he is feeling better about the whole issue.
We were sorry that our son took off from work for several days to be here, but we appreciate his concern and I felt better that he was here. He knows a lot more about these things then I do.
So that's the update...we don't know anything more then we did last week. Now he has a whole week ahead to think about this procedure all over again.
We know people live with heart conditions, both our Mothers and fathers had some sort of heart problem and my brother has had 2 quad by-passes...but when it's happening to you and you have never been sick, it can get pretty scary. I think my positive attitude is helping him cope (or perhaps driving him nuts LOL) but as they say...this too shall pass.
So what does all this have to do with a weight loss Journey? Oh if you are asking that question you obviously don't have a weight problem. Stress like this is a killer of will power...over eaters tend to be thrown into a tailspin by frustration and anxiety. It is taken everything I have to convince myself that EATING will not make every problem go away, eating is a temporary fix that will lead to guilt that will lead to more eating. I have to remind myself how hard I've worked and how far I've come. It is because of this weight loss that I am now able to walk hospital hallways (run if I have to), that I have the energy and stamina to fight and be my husband advocate and that I feel strong enough to be his rock for a change (although he will tell you I have always been his rock) So this situation has a great deal to do with my Journey and once again I thank all who have supported me...the struggle continues, but so does the growth and determination.

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A Time to Reflect

It has taken me a few days to come here. I have been lost in thought and dealing with a situation in the only way I know how...staying busy.
On Friday we went to see the Cardiologist for the results of Richards stress test. The news was not what we had hoped for...instead we were told that the vessels feeding the heart muscle itself appear to not be functioning properly. An angiogram is necessary and the doctor is almost certain that one of three things will follow...stints, angioplasty or open heart surgery. My more dear Richard...the color left his face and it was certain he was scared to death. I think the doctor, who is a wonderful man, saw this and tried to set his mind at ease....We all know someone who has had this procedure...I've had two angiograms myself...But Rich has never been ill enough to require any surgical procedure. He is also someone that always sees the cup half empty, he is convinced that he takes after his mothers side of the family (he looks like that side) and no one in that family lived past 66...Rich is 65.
I do not like those thoughts and I've spent a life time trying to dispel them..He has been my rock, though every illness and every bump in the road we've faced as a couple...he has never lost faith in me. Now the rolls are reversed, now he looks to me for strength and only now do I realize that being a ROCK is not an easy job... Most people see ME as the strong one ...Rich and I know that together we are strong (that's a line from OUR SONG "Through The Years") We've always been a team.
I am as positive as he is negative and you'd think after 45 years, he'd realize my attitude works better LOL Someone will always be there to judge you wrongly, rain on your parade and hurt you...but if you see the silver lining, try and find good in the bad...life's crap just seems to roll right off you. Strength comes easy.....
Tomorrow I go for my endoscopy, they have to keep an eye on that Barretts Esophogus...I'm sure all will be fine. Thursday Rich will go for his procedure and he will be fine as well.
He has supported me throughout this Journey and because of that I am stronger and healthier then I have been in years...so now is my time to be his ROCK and I'm up for it....
Prayers and positive thoughts are always welcome.....

Memorial Day

In the quiet hours of this morning, while looking out at all the wild critters enjoying their food.
I find myself thinking about those men, boys for the most part, that are far away in other countries, fighting for a cause they may or may not believe in. But they are there in the service of their country. Leaving behind loved ones, jobs and for the most part a better life then the one they are in at the moment. I wonder how many people will take time out of their fun week-end to remember why this Day is a holiday to begin with. How many will think of those Americans buried all over the world that will never celebrate another memorial Day with their families. How many will think about those men in VA hospitals across the country whose lives were changed forever in the blink of an eye.
I am brought once again to my story of the Starfish....I can not make a quilt for every wounded soldier...heck, a thousand women couldn't make one for every wounded soldier...but I can make one at a time and let one know he is not forgotten, nor is his purpose taken for granted. I can wrap one in the warmth of a hug that I cannot deliver in person.
It is my sincere hope that everyone will remember someone today...Remember them with a smile and celebration and whisper a little "Thank you".
Happy Memorial Day!!!

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Visitors

It's that time of year again when people can finally get up the driveway without fear of being snowed in.
My Oldest and dearest friend Ron managed to grace us (he doesn't get to visit as much as we'd like) with a two night stay. He is always fun to be around and of course he had a lot to say about the "new" me. Actually he said it was "Nice to have the old" me "Back"...He even said I looked younger. Did it make me feel wonderful? You bet it did, but I don't expect to hear that all the time or for the rest of my life...That "Newness" will be accepted after a while and the compliments will stop. I say this because people should be prepared. There are people who NEED those compliments in order to feel successful (I say that in a good way), but you should never feel unsuccessful when they stop..because they will.
No sooner had Ron departed, the bed was stripped, new sheets on, laundry started and room cleaned and refreshed, when Ellen and John arrived. We go back 20 some odd years. They started as clients and ended up wonderful friends. They try and visit at least once a year, to catch up, however they missed last year. Needless to say they also noticed a very big difference and I found it remarkable that John also mentioned that I looked younger...Sheesh I must have really looked OLD when I was 100 pounds heavier. I keep saying "I'm half way to where I'd like to be" and I think it scares people LOL Ellen asked me what I intend to look like? and not in a good way .Actually I will stop saying that because I am more then half way there, not ready to sit back and accept where I am, but I'm heading for ONEderland,(a weight that starts with a ONE) and once I'm there I'll decide on some kind of reasonable number... Numbers are so unimportant to me that it is difficult to have to keep track, but I realize those numbers give incentive to others.
Dealing with praise has always been difficult for me. I hate to seem ungrateful, it is wonderful to hear the appreciation and amazement at what I've done...But I have never been comfortable in the lime light. To me, wanting to be thinner for health reasons is a very natural event. I was dying...I'm not sure people realize that. I had ceased to live, I was existing and weight was piling on in spite of what I ate or didn't eat. I took what I consider to be EXTREME steps to lose the weight as fast as possible to save my life and to me the journey has truly been the reward. Praise is not something I need, nor do I feel I deserve..Anyone faced with death and wants to live would make the same choice. I think the praise goes to those who had their surgery 5 to 8 years ago and maintained it through healthy living. That's the hard part, maintaining...and I'm not there yet...However, I have fought so hard and so long in this battle of the bulge I should think I would never want to visit that war again. I like watching my size drop, I love how I eat and what I eat and I love feeling good as well as happy...Why wouldn't I want to live in that place forever?
Something to ponder.......

Wisdom

I just love conversations that pick my brain and make me think.
Of course, having this surgery, leaves the door wide open for all kinds of questions...Some of them surprise me. Recently, while in conversation regarding this surgery I said a few things that left my friend somewhat amazed. She finally said "I admire you so much for your wisdom, you are so smart"... I laughed because I have always believed that wisdom is something that comes with experience (not necessarily age) and Knowledge (or being "Smart") is something we learn from being taught. She sees it as one in the same.
A great many people have crossed through my life, many with not one but several degree's. Very few had any common sense, but they could mesmerize you with their knowledge of certain subjects. On the other hand I have met those with no more then a high school education that are wise beyond their years. So I am not very impressed by titles or degree's but I am in awe of those who cope with life from a realistic and logical view point.
Very often people can not see things as they are, because they want so desperately to see things the way they feel they SHOULD be.
I hear it said, very often, that "New" surgery people are in "a Honeymoon stage"...giving that person the idea that how they feel will end. I think it is a negative statement and unrealistic. In fact there is a lot said that I think can bring about disaster. The word "Invincible" is used a lot...
Perish the thought of anyone feeling "Invincible". We all like to think we are so very unique...in reality we are, both in how we feel physically after this surgery and how we approach it for the rest of our lives. There is a commonality among Obese people, co morbidity factors, such as bad knee's, High BP, diabetes etc. Low self esteem (for different reasons) there are many ways we are alike...However it is our differences that will make or break us. There are some who will take that word "Honeymoon" and be crushed by the fact that the feeling may end. Perhaps if you NEED someone to say "Good job" ...yeah that's going to end, your celebrity status with friends and relatives will end. You will eventually level off and not lose any more weight...But I hope, for anyone on the melting side that reads this, your feeling of pride, accomplishment and success NEVER , ever ends. I do not feel any different now, then I did 7 months ago...I'm just 100 pounds lighter.Because of that loss my health has improved, I am not in pain and I'm not living on meds...That's a fact!! It's a fact that I realize every day. I did this, it hasn't been easy, if fact it's pretty damn hard...but when I look back at where I was and where I am now...Holy shit!!!
That "honeymoon" isn't going to end. None of us is "Invincible" and I would try hard to discourage anyone that feels that way. You can fail...please note I didn't say the surgery may not work. You are human and you may fail. You may lose the feeling of happiness and excitement that your initial weight loss brings. You may fall back into old habits and eat yourself back into obesity. These are ALL FACTS. I think the trick is to be aware of these facts and work on change NOW while you are still happy with your accomplishments. Life is all about choice...It was your choice to have this surgery, it's your choice to win or lose. Actually when you LOSE you win huh? Point is, there are somethings in life where we really have no choice...things happen, but we do have a choice on how we deal with the things that happen...and there is no right or wrong choice...or we'd have a world full of happy, contented people. You can look at something as being fixable and do it or you can wallow in the misery of not wanting to fix it, by thinking you can't. You can wake up each morning thankful for a new day or you can wake up to a morning filled with more pain and indecision...it's your choice. Does it make me a Pollyanna because I choose to be happy? I don't think so, although some do. I choose to be happy because it beats the alternative. My life is not without pain and sorrow, my life is not without loss and suffering...No life is... I just choose to except it as a natural order, a human factor, something I cannot change.
What hurts me most is knowing that there are people I know, people I care about and people I have yet to meet that will never be able to grasp the concept of the way I live my life...There are also people that I have come across that resent the happiness of others and yet do nothing to make themselves happy...Go figure.
Today was just one of those day of deep thought...but they were thoughts I wanted to share.
If even one person can read what I've written and come away feeling better about themselves...then that makes me very, very happy. We have to strive to make a difference where and when we can.

Hope

I went up to the peafowl house today, as always with their food and crackers they love so much.
Diana, one of my females was still over in her corner sitting on her 6 eggs (I think she stole 2 from Garbo). Every year for the past 4 years Diana has made a nest and sat on her eggs with no result in chicks. She is such a wonderful Mother, rolling her eggs to a fine polish, she had a wonderful mate that died at a very young age. Then along came Sir Beanie who was too young last year and I think she just laid too early this year.
I knelt down to remove the eggs and Diana became very up set. I backed her off the eggs and as I picked one up, I felt the warmth of that mothers love...How could I remove her hope? These six eggs she has tended to and sat on for over a month...How could I just take them away?
I put the egg back and she immediately pushed her eggs back under her warm body...filled with hope that maybe tomorrow a chick will be there instead.
It isn't going to happen. Their gestation is only 28 days....and I guess I will end up taking one egg at a time for the next few days until they are gone. Will she lay more? Perhaps and maybe these will be fertile. I think she just laid these too early when it was still too cold.
I learned something from that bird today. Hope is a very strong feeling that should not be taken for granted.Emily Dickinson wrote: Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul, and sings the tunes without the words, and never stops at all.
Everything that breathes has hope in there heart for something. For Diana it is the hope of a chick someday. For me it is the Hope that I will achieve my goals...in weight loss that I will remain healthy, change my life style and live better. For the Butterfly project, that I will continue to hear happy stories about how they bring happiness into the lives of those who receive them, Hope that more volunteers will offer to make them and hope that the project lives on long after I'm gone. I read Hope, when a new person enters the program with so many questions and hope for their future. I know what it is to feel hopeless and it is worse then any physical pain and more difficult to remedy. You feel like you have reached rock bottom and there is no where else to turn, no help and no hope for the future. It's the place I had visited right before my surgery and I pray I never go there again. My heart breaks at the thought that there are so many people who will visit that very same place, for the very same reason and not know where to turn for the answers that will breathe a breath of HOPE back into their bodies and minds. I have been blessed with being given the opportunity, through the Mentors program, to give back, to hold out a hand and perhaps some hope....to someone else...Someone just like my Diana who only hopes for one small miracle to help change their life...
Yup , I sure did learn a lot from that bird today.......