A long Pause

Man seems like forever since I've posted here. I did warn you that I was getting more involved in my art and was working on a new Blog that would be (hopefully) up lifting and interesting to those of you who enjoy my weirdness at times LOL. The cath went very well, I have a heart....Hey it helps to know that. Mine is working very well it seems and one of the doc's that did the cath informed me that he suspects Kidney stones since his kidney stones also mimicked a heart attack, as did happen to one of the nurses that took care of me...Who knew? I know my first cath for my "heart attack" was cause by Gall stones many years ago..but ya know what? I'm done....DONE!! I've had it with the guess work and I've had it with doctors. Everyone has to die of something, if something gets bad enough to send me back to a doctor , so be it. I'm done looking for problems and being poked and prodded. I never even heard of Transient Global Amnesia , now, after hearing that diagnosis for my brain issue, I've heard it several times...must be the designer "problem" of 2011. Now for those of you who belong to the WLS group...Here's the poop. Not one thing that has happened to me can be blamed on RNY. You will hear some people who have had this surgery or the Band, very often wonder if something wrong is connected to their surgery. AS far as I'm concerned, things happens to me prior to surgery and things will continue to pop up here and there. To blame all your "New" malady's on your surgery, is like blaming your car for hitting a tree. Part of the lessons learned in this Journey is to take responsibility for your action...For too long, people have blamed childhood events, strict parents and poor potty training for everything that is wrong with their life. As someone who has had a life fraught with pain, abuse and many close calls with death...trust me...None of it made me eat and get Fat...I did that to myself and then looked for someone or some event to blame it on. Own your life, take responsibility for what you do, for who you are....I grew out of blaming people a long time ago. I had to raise above painful memories and heartache. Life is what it is, I can either wallow in self pity or take life by the horns and ride it through hell with a smile on my face....I chose the latter...how about you?

A matter of HEART

Sometimes life tries to kick ass, and not in a good way. You can go for months and nothing eventful happens, you get lulled into thinking life is finally calming down and things will be smoother and then BANG 5 things happen all at once and you are left with the realization that you can never let your guard down because life will always be there waiting with the harshness of reality.
I took my hour long trip to the Orthopedist in hopes of getting another series of Synvisc shots...I got 8 months of peace and no pain out of the last series.I was told when I got there that they were still waiting on the shipment.( a phone call would have been appreciated) Doc decided to give me a shot of Cortisone instead. I had forgotten how much that shot hurt..Like any pain it eventually goes away...but I had a day of discomfort and a lot to do. (company is coming and I have to shop for meals, get the beds ready etc.)
The following day (yesterday) I had an appointment to see my Cardiologist about Stress test results. I was sure it was nothing and I'd be left in the dark as to what caused that horrible chest pain that I never hope to feel again. I should have known better...crushed finger, Heart pain, Hospital stay, Knee issue...I see a pattern forming.
The stress test showed an abnormality in the lower left side of my heart...What is it? Stress test doesn't show that...It just shows a lack of oxygen. It could be narrowing of vessels, it could be a blockage etc. We can wait it out with medication and see what develops (conservative approach) or we can go for a Cardio - cath and know immediately what we are dealing with...
My need for instant gratification should be obvious by now...The cath will be done next Tuesday...If I need stents or a balloon it will be done at that time..If I need open heart surgery, they will wake me up to discuss it...I thought that was nice of them.
A friend I spoke to shortly after ward wanted to know how I could continue to laugh...You don't think this is funny? I feel like I'm trapped in a Keystone Cop episode. When it rains it pours, that's a fact of life. Every day can't be sunny. Considering the winter we just had...Trust me, every day is NOT Sunny, we move on...we appreciate the days of sun that come our way and deal with the rain... Listen, if I lived in Japan right now, I'd know what bad luck truly is. You want to always be happy, find someone who isn't and be thankful for what you DON"T have.
I think on this walk through life it's good to carry an Umbrella and to keep smiling....

Grief and eating

There has been a great deal of grief and sadness in my group lately. A dear friend just lost her Mom...she was getting better and was going home and then POOF! In a flash of surprise she was gone. That is much harder to deal with, then if you know someone is going to die. Not that the death of a parent is easy to deal with...but in knowing, at least there is time to say what needs saying.
I think grief is the one emotion that sets our eating trigger into motion. Not that happiness and celebration doesn't, but personally I can deal with old habits when I'm happy. When I am filled with the void and sadness that death brings, old habits can sneak in without me even knowing it.
I am lucky in the respect that I do not grieve for very long...but in those moments of sadness I find I become mindless to eating. For those of us who have struggled to lose and then maintain grief is hard..it just breaks us down. That it a time when friends are necessary...friends that know your struggles and will be there to remind you that there is no comfort in food. The only purpose food has is to nourish the body, it will not help with the process of grieving...That's what friends and prayers are for.
I will always be here for a friend who has suffered a loss. I will help in anyway I can to keep you from turning to food for comfort. When I went to Mother Mary's funeral I could feel that void, that emptiness of knowing I will never hear her words of wisdom again...But I had my family to lean on...a family that knows how hard I've worked and I knew they would be watching. I ate fish and listened to my grand kids, the joy in their voices was enough to remind me why I took this journey in the first place...In hope of living a little longer and enjoying them to the fullest.
In grief, we need to focus more on the living then on the loss...............

I feel like a whirling dervish

We had two days of snow, 16 inches on the mountain, much less downtown (how does that happen?) It was senseless to even try and plow with the wind blowing as hard as it was and the drifting was terrible...Boxed us in, couldn't open doors. Thank goodness for my covered porch.
It took Rich two days with the backhoe to clear a path on time to visit the cardiologist. I'm glad we did.
I thought he would tell me I just had an echo and that this terrible pain I had was associated with something else... I questions Fibromyalgia, he said a much different kind of pain) I questioned Sweetheart Syndrome and he smiled and told me I obviously leave no stone unturned LOL. I asked if it had anything to do with rapid weight loss...absolutely not WL benefits the heart. He looked concerned (that's a first,he usually hides it well) he said he is certain it is my heart, but now we have to explore WHAT it is...Friday I go for a Chemical Stress test (I'm not happy about that one) and we will take it from there. he back tracked and said it could also be an answer to the short term memory loss...but time will tell.
So that's the up date on moi...." I have miles to go before I sleep" so I better get on it...I have a new art blog. If you are interested in the address, drop me a line...Not much on it at the moment
but it's up and running.... :-)

A week from HELL !!

This past week was like a roller coaster ride into Hell... Monday was spent making arrangements for the animals and getting things ready for a very fast trip down to the Island.
Tuesday- The Barn was left set up, we were on the road by 10 am and it was like Mother Mary was one step ahead "parting the sea". For the first time ever...there was no traffic, no stress connected with the trip. WE got to say good-bye to one of the finest ladies that ever graced this planet. We got to see her family members that we had not seen for a while and celebrate her life through pictures and remembrance. It was beautiful. We had dinner with our children and the Grand kids were absolutely wonderful and very entertaining. I enjoyed being with them and laughing with them. Nights like that are the only reason I miss living on LI. The trip home was as perfect as the trip down.
Wed. I couldn't wait to get down to the barn to see my "kids", I always miss them when I'm gone. They were very happy to see me. Before feeding, I decided I would cut the goats nails, that meant I had to keep them in their stall. The darn latch on the wooden door got stuck and in the process of tending it my boy Jake hit the door and smashed my finger. It blew up and hurt like the dickens so I decided to fore go the nails and just put everyone out, feed and water and then see about my hand. ER here I come, Rich and I are sure it is broken, since it looks like a "Z", Doc in the ER is certain it's broken, xray tech agrees...It's not LOL some capsule thing in the joint ruptured, swollen and black my fingers are tapped together with the hope that the pinkie will work with the finger next to it and not stay out in left field where it seems to want to be. I push it against the other finger and let go...BOING!! back it goes. let's just say , I'm ready for high tea LOL Home I go 4 hours later.
We decide on a simple dinner. I make pizza with flour tortilla's, nice thin crispy crust... Go to take a bite, hot sauce dribbles down and burns the skin off my chin. No kidding, I have no skin there...who knew it was THAT hot.
After dinner, it's peaceful, we are laughing at the TV (Mike and Molly we recorded) I feel a pinch to my heart..get up, get antacid...maybe that pizza was simple but perhaps not a good idea.
The pain gets stronger...then beyond strong...Rich asks whats wrong? I can't speak, pain has taken my breath away...My God I think...I'm going to die...my heart is going to stop beating...how much pain can it endure before it stops? I've never felt anything like this and I'm scared. I collapse...Rich calls 911, gives me asprin to chew, crew is on the way...pain begins to subside and I beg Rich to call them back...I don't want to bother them on this cold night...
Rich tells me I am a terrible color and I'm going to ER. He looks out the front and sees that the ambulance is stuck on the driveway. I tell him to go help them...I'm okay.
He returns with one EMT who tends to me and says we have to get to a hospital NOW!! Into the truck we go and meet another EMT walking the driveway with equipment. For anyone who has seen my driveway, you can appreciate the effort that was being made to save me.
AS we reach the ambulance, which is now back out on the road they get me from truck to truck as another ambulance pulls up with a trailer and ATV's. they were certainly bound and determined to get to me...Kind of gives you a good feeling inside. The road was bumpy and the gurney was moving in spite of the brakes, but the paramedic on board managed to set a line and put nitro under my tongue. Bless his heart... I won't go into the details of the next day and a half, only to say that I was admitted to the hospital and I now can say, not every hospital is like Cooperstown. They should hang their head in shame.... Delaware Valley Hosp. doesn't have nearly all the advantages (or the money) that Cooperstown does, but the hospital is immaculate, the staff is friendly and caring and you don't have to ASK for anything much less beg...water was refreshed ever hour or so and someone was always checking to be sure my needs were met. At the end of my stay I was thanked for being an excellent patient...I told them it was easy when I was dealing with an excellent , professional staff. Once home I had to make follow up appointments with cardiologist and orthopedist ...This isn't over for me.
Saturday my morning started with a phone call...my dear friend Janet's Mom had passed away. She had been doing so well. I only spoke to Janet 12 hours earlier and things were looking up.....
Every minute seems to change the course of a day. This past week began with funeral preparation and now ends the same way
I am very happy to be alive but I grieve for my friend. She is a strong person...a loving caring person who deserves better then what life has thrown at her over the past few months.....
If you read between the lines, you will see I have a great deal to be thankful for. So in spite of this week from HELL I am glad to be able to complain about the crappy parts....and rejoice for a life that continues it's journey....Although some of you may not know Janet I pray you find it in your heart to keep her and her family in your prayers...this is only the beginning of a very long, had road.....I'm here Janet, with love and support.....

Time for Spring

I do love looking out my windows. No matter where I look I see beauty..Beautiful , tall pines, covered in white lace, valleys that appear "water colored" by a mist...distant frosty mountains...It all takes my breath away. However.....
You all knew that was coming huh?
I've truly had enough snow this year. Taking care of the animals is much harder in winter..having to tote water and bring them all in at night (when it's really cold). I love the seasons..including this cold and frosty one. Winter has a certain beauty to it all it's own.
Having lived in a Southern climate for a while I know what it's like to see sunshine all the time...
It gets OLD...don't get me wrong...I loved playing with the dolphins and manatee's...I miss that.
But living in a rain forest 80% of the time is not my idea of "The Good life"...perhaps when I'm old LOL
I believe hard work mixed with laughter and play time, makes for a fun life. The winter is the hardest work of all, but sooner or later Spring will come and the work will change...From plowing and shoveling...to plowing and shoveling LOL only it will be dirt instead of snow...By Summers end we will be praying for a chill in the air and then will come my favorite time of all...the time of year when Mother nature is at her best...Covering the mountains with bright colored quilts and sweetening the air with the smell of FALL. Unlike life that only turns in one direction, The seasons continue to change and with it, so do we.
To any new people reading this Blog, you may want to go back to the beginning of this Blog. That is where the most info is regarding surgery and what to expect... While I've tried to keep to the subject matter of WLS, I have at times, gotten way off track.
Like I've said, I'm working on a new Blog that will bring people into my fantasy world of art and mixed media...It is where I am most happy and most comfortable.
I feel I have a lot to offer the WLS community, just based on my positive experience with surgery. However, my honest approach is not always appreciated...There are those who doubt my experience and prefer to speak loudly about any negative aspects of THEIR experience.
What this does is bring me into a negative aura. I do not do well there..My happiness depends on surrounding myself with positive energy. So I will continue to post here when possible and I will continue to help people who request my help...but I will definitely be spending more time in the place I am comfortable and with kindred spirits.

A Very Sad Day

(I have no idea how my Birthday Blog got hung up. It was supposed to be published on Feb 20)

I received a phone call last night. One I knew would come, but prayed it would be longer in coming. I was notified that Dear Mother Mary had begun her new journey, her new life in heaven with all those who have gone before her.
The sadness I feel is overwhelming. Not that we had a chance to speak to her every day. She was a bit deaf and phone calls were difficult. But I know she knew, she was always in my thoughts and prayers. Not a day went by that I did not think of that lady and wonder if she knew how deeply she touched my life.
She was the Mother I wished I had had. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't perfect, she had her fair share of issues and she had her moments...but she had a wonderful heart. There are people who have expressed those feelings for my mother (of course they didn't know her for the length of time I did, nor did they spend 24/7 with her at any given time) So maybe we all see the beauty in another person and dismiss their short comings, more easily then we can our own family.
All I know is Mother Mary was a comfort and a blessing in my life. She rarely judged others and even when she did, in the most harsh manner...I know in my heart she prayed for forgiveness. She never wanted to see the bad in anyone. She was a person who was easily played by many people with their own agenda, but again, she was a deeply religious person and I knew in my heart of hearts that God would protect her. AS long as she was happy, that's all that ever mattered to me.
She was a GRAND lady, always had her hair done, nails done, make up on. She wore the prettiest of clothes and always looked and acted like the lady she was. She got so much joy out of her friends and family. I could sit and talk for hours about the parties and all the laughter that was shared around her pool. She was a blessing and a treasure to me and my family and she will be deeply and sadly missed. It gives me solace to know that her end was peaceful and her journey to heaven swift and without question.