It was bound to happen. I try and stay off the scales because it isn't about the numbers with me. But I had an occasion to get on the scale a week ago and then again today. I was a bit disappointed that there was no weight loss. I've gotten spoiled. Each time I get on the scale (okay there is always many weeks in between) it shows a significant weight loss. I should think in a week it would show something. It's a bit disheartening because it's too early. Those of us who have RNY get about 18 months of easy losing. By this I mean, it's not less effort, it's just that the body gives up the fat faster. We lose most of our weight in those 18 months, then those last few pounds are usually harder to shed.
So far I've lost over 80 pounds since starting this journey so I'm not complaining. I guess I'm just waiting for the other shoe to fall. I'm aware that this can not go on forever and sooner or later I will be left to maintain what I've lost. We all know that is the hardest part. I have no doubt I will do it, regardless of the effort it will take..Why so positive you ask? Because this has been and continues to be the journey of a life time. I've gotten my life back and I don't ever want to return to the sadness I've left behind. To be locked in a prison of body fat, unable to do the simplest of things...putting on socks, tying shoes, cutting toe nails, walking without a cane, standing for longer then 5 min without extreme pain. Weight never caused those problems before so I'd diet to look good then put it all back on, knowing I could diet again...What a waste of time and energy over a life time. Shoot, when added up I've probably lost a good 600 pounds.
No , I can not go back to that life and this is doable. I can eat like everyone else, no special diet, only good healthy choices. I'm counting on you, if your reading this, I need you. I need you to remind me of that former life and all the pain. Don't ever let me get comfortable with even 5 extra pounds. If I look like I've gained, tell me...I promise I won't get angry.
Right now I'm having a problem. I can't see the 80 + pounds I've lost. I know my clothes are smaller and I feel wonderful, but in the mirror I'm still HUGE. maybe that's a good thing..because I'm not comfortable with who I see. The compliments are wonderful but even they won't last forever and that's when I'll need the most help. Please don't let me fall again.
I have broken out of that cocoon (did ya notice?) but I have a ways to go before I can fly.
I don't mind the struggle, I truly don't, because I see the results in how I feel and that is most important..Sooner or later that struggle will end , my wings will dry and I will fly...I pray you will help me in that flight and continue to support me......
My Hidden Treasure
Friday, March 27, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
My Starfish Story
I have gotten a lot of inspiration these past few days. Between notes, e-mails and group support meetings. Today I read a posting that made me a bit misty because the person listed all the ways I touched her during this process and thanked me. It brought me back to my Starfish Story. We all have little tidbits that pull us through the darkest of times. While I recommend Robert Fulghum for inspirational reading, one story he wrote made me feel that he had zeroed in on my heart.
An elderly man was walking along the beach one day. Ahead of him lay thousands of starfish that had been brought in by the tide, now they lay dying, baking in the sun. The old man came upon a little boy, running with all his might and picking up starfish and throwing them back into the sea.
The old man watched this action for a while...this small little boy trying so hard to accomplish such an overwhelming task as to save these starfish. Finally the man approaches the little boy, who stops, looks up and says "HI". The old man says to him "Son I have been watching you run along the beach, throwing the starfish back to the sea. You are just one little boy and there are thousands of starfish, how can you feel you will make a difference in their lives?"
The little boy smiled ran and picked up a star fish and threw it far back into the sea, then he turned, looked at the man and said "I made a difference to that one".
That is what I intend to do. I know I do not have the power to save the world, but I can touch a persons life, I can help someone along the way and if I touch just one person through my own experiences, then I have accomplished my goal. Right now I know many caterpillars in the process of becoming Butterflies, I know many Butterflies that are still wet and struggling to fly and there are also those Butterflies that have been soaring for a while and are growing tired and need some inspiration. I cannot touch ALL of them, but I can make a difference to some of them
and that is my mission..just to make a difference.
A special thanks to those who have allowed me into there lives...you've made a difference to me also.
An elderly man was walking along the beach one day. Ahead of him lay thousands of starfish that had been brought in by the tide, now they lay dying, baking in the sun. The old man came upon a little boy, running with all his might and picking up starfish and throwing them back into the sea.
The old man watched this action for a while...this small little boy trying so hard to accomplish such an overwhelming task as to save these starfish. Finally the man approaches the little boy, who stops, looks up and says "HI". The old man says to him "Son I have been watching you run along the beach, throwing the starfish back to the sea. You are just one little boy and there are thousands of starfish, how can you feel you will make a difference in their lives?"
The little boy smiled ran and picked up a star fish and threw it far back into the sea, then he turned, looked at the man and said "I made a difference to that one".
That is what I intend to do. I know I do not have the power to save the world, but I can touch a persons life, I can help someone along the way and if I touch just one person through my own experiences, then I have accomplished my goal. Right now I know many caterpillars in the process of becoming Butterflies, I know many Butterflies that are still wet and struggling to fly and there are also those Butterflies that have been soaring for a while and are growing tired and need some inspiration. I cannot touch ALL of them, but I can make a difference to some of them
and that is my mission..just to make a difference.
A special thanks to those who have allowed me into there lives...you've made a difference to me also.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Earth Bound Angels
Strange how life takes it's twist and turns. I've been really bothered by something. It has kept me from posting here because it sounded so much like whining. Truth is, I know I'm losing weight, people tell me how wonderful I'm looking...I keep getting a few new things in smaller sizes, I'm moving better and feeling better...so in my mind I know I have to be losing weight. yet I look in the mirror and staring back at me is a person who looks as fat as she always was.
How can that be? I should look thinner, but I don't. I look at pictures of other people and I can see the change. I look at pictures of me and say "Huh?" I look the same.
It can get to you...and it has gotten to me BIG TIME! But then something happened to change my mood. An envelope came in the mail. I knew when I saw the envelope who it was from. Lorna makes her envelopes, I'm thinking from magazines. My envelope was all angels, beautiful angels that already had brightened my day before I even opened the envelope.
Inside was a lovely note telling me that she follows my blog and how proud she is of my accomplishments and how she knows it isn't easy. Tucked in with the note was a strip of Butterfly fabric and some angel wings. As tears began to fall, I realized that there are angels in my life that I hardly know, but they care...While I have "known" Lorna for a very long time it is only through a group I've belonged to for a long time...I have never hugged her in person, although I have in spirit as I've done to many of you.
As I held that beautiful envelope and heart warming contents I realized how very lucky I am. I don't know for sure how many people read what I say here. I do know some check now and again and there are those who send encouraging e-mails and notes... to get something like this out of the blue really hit home, like always they always seem to arrive at the perfect time. I told myself to stop whining and looking for a change. So what if I can't see it in the mirror. Does it really matter? Isn't the good health more important?
Lorna didn't need to see a picture to send a word of encouragement, so why does that image bother me so much.
Suddenly I felt like a million dollars. Some friends came by to help me tap some Maple tree's. They told me how great I looked and then as we walked up the back hill together they remarked that I never would have done that last year and they were right. Last year at this time I had all I could do to get out of a chair without help...I walked with a cane for Pete's sake...
So thank you Lorna, thank you for making me think beyond the mirror and for taking the time to think of me and express your thoughts...I have a lot of angels that have touched my life...Thank you for being one of them....
How can that be? I should look thinner, but I don't. I look at pictures of other people and I can see the change. I look at pictures of me and say "Huh?" I look the same.
It can get to you...and it has gotten to me BIG TIME! But then something happened to change my mood. An envelope came in the mail. I knew when I saw the envelope who it was from. Lorna makes her envelopes, I'm thinking from magazines. My envelope was all angels, beautiful angels that already had brightened my day before I even opened the envelope.
Inside was a lovely note telling me that she follows my blog and how proud she is of my accomplishments and how she knows it isn't easy. Tucked in with the note was a strip of Butterfly fabric and some angel wings. As tears began to fall, I realized that there are angels in my life that I hardly know, but they care...While I have "known" Lorna for a very long time it is only through a group I've belonged to for a long time...I have never hugged her in person, although I have in spirit as I've done to many of you.
As I held that beautiful envelope and heart warming contents I realized how very lucky I am. I don't know for sure how many people read what I say here. I do know some check now and again and there are those who send encouraging e-mails and notes... to get something like this out of the blue really hit home, like always they always seem to arrive at the perfect time. I told myself to stop whining and looking for a change. So what if I can't see it in the mirror. Does it really matter? Isn't the good health more important?
Lorna didn't need to see a picture to send a word of encouragement, so why does that image bother me so much.
Suddenly I felt like a million dollars. Some friends came by to help me tap some Maple tree's. They told me how great I looked and then as we walked up the back hill together they remarked that I never would have done that last year and they were right. Last year at this time I had all I could do to get out of a chair without help...I walked with a cane for Pete's sake...
So thank you Lorna, thank you for making me think beyond the mirror and for taking the time to think of me and express your thoughts...I have a lot of angels that have touched my life...Thank you for being one of them....
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Frustration
It's been a while since I've had enough computer time to post anything here. Lots of company has come and gone and trying to catch up on things has taken a lot of my time.
I attended a meeting last night and one of the subjects we talked about was frustration.
I sat there and listened and realized how different we all truly are. Some things that had people on the verge of murder had me thinking "why?". But then I realized, we all react to different circumstances in different ways and what sends me off a cliff may not bother someone else.
I bet there are people who know me that think I NEVER get frustrated. I guess I do have somewhat of a flippant attitude towards life...it is what it is and it beats the alternative. However, I get as frustrated as anyone else...more at myself then at those around me.
I dislike anything that controls my life including FAT, PAIN, DISEASE, FOOD.....Like most people I've tried many times to take back the Fort...it's not like frustration doesn't lead to making some kind of effort. Whining about it usually just inflames the situation, sure doesn't solve any problems...but very often in an effort to take back the Fort, we get even more frustrated with our failure to do so.
This has been a long road, years of the same battles and same frustrations...Even once I decided to have this surgery, the frustration continued with appointments spread out over months, cancelled appointments, 11th hours test. It's disheartening as you are in a raging battle to take one step forward and two back, you feel as if your wheels are spinning and you are getting nowhere fast.
I realized as I spoke last night, that in 4/5 months my life has taken a drastic turn. My diabetes is GONE, BP normal, knee replacement surgery postponed indefinitely, acid reflux disease gone, energy level higher then it's been in years. How lucky am I? Life is full of frustrations and hardships and my life is no different then any other persons ...I've seen my share of tears, sorrows and loss, of pain, life threatening disease and fear...But I'm still here (isn't there a song like that?)
I'm still here to fight another day, so perhaps that's why I try and face frustration with a smile...It isn't going away so I might as well just deal with it as best I can, change what I can and move on.
I've gotten so many encouraging e-mails and I want to thank all of you who are following this journey..because your support is not only a comfort to me , but necessary for my success....
I attended a meeting last night and one of the subjects we talked about was frustration.
I sat there and listened and realized how different we all truly are. Some things that had people on the verge of murder had me thinking "why?". But then I realized, we all react to different circumstances in different ways and what sends me off a cliff may not bother someone else.
I bet there are people who know me that think I NEVER get frustrated. I guess I do have somewhat of a flippant attitude towards life...it is what it is and it beats the alternative. However, I get as frustrated as anyone else...more at myself then at those around me.
I dislike anything that controls my life including FAT, PAIN, DISEASE, FOOD.....Like most people I've tried many times to take back the Fort...it's not like frustration doesn't lead to making some kind of effort. Whining about it usually just inflames the situation, sure doesn't solve any problems...but very often in an effort to take back the Fort, we get even more frustrated with our failure to do so.
This has been a long road, years of the same battles and same frustrations...Even once I decided to have this surgery, the frustration continued with appointments spread out over months, cancelled appointments, 11th hours test. It's disheartening as you are in a raging battle to take one step forward and two back, you feel as if your wheels are spinning and you are getting nowhere fast.
I realized as I spoke last night, that in 4/5 months my life has taken a drastic turn. My diabetes is GONE, BP normal, knee replacement surgery postponed indefinitely, acid reflux disease gone, energy level higher then it's been in years. How lucky am I? Life is full of frustrations and hardships and my life is no different then any other persons ...I've seen my share of tears, sorrows and loss, of pain, life threatening disease and fear...But I'm still here (isn't there a song like that?)
I'm still here to fight another day, so perhaps that's why I try and face frustration with a smile...It isn't going away so I might as well just deal with it as best I can, change what I can and move on.
I've gotten so many encouraging e-mails and I want to thank all of you who are following this journey..because your support is not only a comfort to me , but necessary for my success....
Sunday, February 15, 2009
A Happy Valentines Day
I am forever in awe of the depth of Richards feelings. He never fails to surprise me, yesterday was no exception. I really didn't expect anything, he had already bought me some new clothes and brought home roses on Friday. I have told him in the past not to buy me flowers because of the expense and the fact that it saddens me when they die. Last year he bought me a doz. roses at the grocery store and not only were they gorgeous, they lasted longer then any flowers I ever received plus they dried on the stem perfectly. So he did the same thing this year and these are even lovelier.
So imagine my surprise when along with breakfast came a little box. We all know great things come in little boxes He had gone back to the jeweler who made my Butterfly pendant and had earrings made to match. I was shocked and happily surprised. He said it was a combo V Day and BD gift but he couldn't wait any longer. LOL I guess after 45 years, I'll keep him.
Little does he realize, even though I tell him, he is my gift. He is my rock, my best friend.
He is the one who inspired the Butterfly Project when he gave me a Butterfly to symbolize my rebirth on the day of my surgery. He has supported me every step of the way, even though he admitted that he surgery scared him to death...But his faith in me was stronger then his fears and for that I will be eternally grateful. I could not have made this journey without his support and I could not continue without him walking beside me.
I know there are people who take this journey alone with very little support from family or friends. I am one of the lucky ones and it is the reason I try to be there to support those who need it. Everyone needs someone at sometime along the way. This is not an easy road and it helps to know that there is always a helping hand reaching out for support when needed.
I hope everyone got to spend this week-end with someone who loves them...Happy Valentines Day......
So imagine my surprise when along with breakfast came a little box. We all know great things come in little boxes
Little does he realize, even though I tell him, he is my gift. He is my rock, my best friend.
He is the one who inspired the Butterfly Project when he gave me a Butterfly to symbolize my rebirth on the day of my surgery. He has supported me every step of the way, even though he admitted that he surgery scared him to death...But his faith in me was stronger then his fears and for that I will be eternally grateful. I could not have made this journey without his support and I could not continue without him walking beside me.
I know there are people who take this journey alone with very little support from family or friends. I am one of the lucky ones and it is the reason I try to be there to support those who need it. Everyone needs someone at sometime along the way. This is not an easy road and it helps to know that there is always a helping hand reaching out for support when needed.
I hope everyone got to spend this week-end with someone who loves them...Happy Valentines Day......
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Storm at Sea
My mind seems to be at sea this morning. The ocean or any body of water is usually where you will find me when my mind is troubled. I have moved away from the ocean, but I do have a pond, one I visit often I published this quote today :No one would ever have crossed the ocean if he could have gotten off the ship in a storm. It was something I wrote many years ago as I sat on the beach, feeling sorry for myself and asking God "why?", it went along with a favorite proverb of mine "A smooth sea never made a skillful mariner. " Needless to say I answered my own questions (or perhaps what I wrote was divine intervention). As humans we need the storms and troubled sea's. We need adversity, it helps build our character as well as our strengths.
I really hate hearing that good people are having problems in their lives. I wish I could wave a wand and make it go away for them. While it's happening I am sure they feel like the weight of the world is on their shoulders. I think we have all been in that place.
We are all different and we handle stress different, but I know for myself I can not allow it to take me to that dark place...not any more.
I was there not to long ago and really felt like I had finally hit bottom. I had reached the foot of a mountain I did not have the strength to climb. I had come to the realization that one of the children I had raised valued money more then his love for family...I knew what "total betrayal" felt like. I had reach a threshold of pain that was no longer bearable..all the self hypnosis in the world and the strongest of meds could not diminish the toll it was taking...I knew what extreme pain felt like. I was immobile, could no longer do the things I loved to do, could no longer care for the animals that brought me so much joy.... I stayed away from friends because I did not want them to share my sadness...There seemed to be so much happening all at once and it is so hard to take off my rose colored glasses and see life as it truly is. The "perfect storm" had indeed become my life and I wanted to bail...but then I remembered what I wrote those many years ago and I was destined to cross the ocean in spite of the storm...
I have not crossed the ocean completely and in all probability there will be more storms, but I can see land in the distance and I know who I am....I will probably no sooner hit land and start looking for another ocean to cross....When you travel life's oceans, you may have a crew on board to help you weather the storm, but you are the captain, the navigator of your own ship and as a captain who has been tempted to bail but did not, I wish you a safe Journey....It's worth riding out the storm.
I really hate hearing that good people are having problems in their lives. I wish I could wave a wand and make it go away for them. While it's happening I am sure they feel like the weight of the world is on their shoulders. I think we have all been in that place.
We are all different and we handle stress different, but I know for myself I can not allow it to take me to that dark place...not any more.
I was there not to long ago and really felt like I had finally hit bottom. I had reached the foot of a mountain I did not have the strength to climb. I had come to the realization that one of the children I had raised valued money more then his love for family...I knew what "total betrayal" felt like. I had reach a threshold of pain that was no longer bearable..all the self hypnosis in the world and the strongest of meds could not diminish the toll it was taking...I knew what extreme pain felt like. I was immobile, could no longer do the things I loved to do, could no longer care for the animals that brought me so much joy.... I stayed away from friends because I did not want them to share my sadness...There seemed to be so much happening all at once and it is so hard to take off my rose colored glasses and see life as it truly is. The "perfect storm" had indeed become my life and I wanted to bail...but then I remembered what I wrote those many years ago and I was destined to cross the ocean in spite of the storm...
I have not crossed the ocean completely and in all probability there will be more storms, but I can see land in the distance and I know who I am....I will probably no sooner hit land and start looking for another ocean to cross....When you travel life's oceans, you may have a crew on board to help you weather the storm, but you are the captain, the navigator of your own ship and as a captain who has been tempted to bail but did not, I wish you a safe Journey....It's worth riding out the storm.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Dreams do come true
In my quiet moments I know how very lucky I am. I have a husband who adores me and supports me in everything I do. I have wonderful children and exceptional friends (not a word I take lightly). I've traveled, I've owned a successful business or two, I've taught and I've learned.
These things are things, at times, I tend to take for granted. There are other times, during private pity parties I used to wonder why I wasn't happy, especially after reflecting on all of the above. Pain does strange things to the mind, knowing your fat, partly because of the pain and inactivity makes it all the more painful. Does that make sense?
It is only now that I can look back and put everything into perspective, because every day I am aware of a dream being fulfilled...Not just the weight loss, although that is a miracle in it's self, but for all that came with that loss..the renewed energy, the loss of knee pain (it's there but doable) the loss of diabetes, the loss of 12 pills and 2 shots a day and the joy of seeing clothes grow bigger by the day. Along the way I have also found an extended family, people who share my disease and understand the torment and unhappiness it brings.
Right before surgery I was asked if I was afraid...I said "not at all, in fact I am totally at peace"...
There was a look of shock...who isn't afraid of surgery? To this I answered "I have the best surgeon, I trust her and God knows heaven will never be the same once I get there...so he's not in any rush to get me there"...I believe both those statements with all my heart.
My hospital stay may have been a horror but the surgery was textbook perfect. So then came my need, my desire to give back...When a dream comes true that enriches your life to the extent this surgery did...you need to give back. Being told I would Mentor was thrilling and exciting, but I needed more. The Butterfly Project gave me what I needed.... It has given comfort to so many and so many "get" the idea of the symbolism and that REALLY makes me happy.
When people like Suzanne and Jules post their feelings to this blog, no one will ever know how it warms my heart. Everyone wants to do something in their life time that means something. For anyone reading this blog, who has written to me or left a comment or received one of the Butterflies, please know that you are part of a dream that is bigger then you know.
I thank God for all those who have stepped up to the plate and volunteered their time, fabric or money to this cause..I could never do this Project alone (although I'd try) This project has not only given my life purpose, but it has also kept me away from the refrig, adding to my success.
I am not ready to post pictures just yet, but I can tell you I have lost over 70 pounds and I'm happier then I've been in a very, very long time...So thank you WLS team, friends and family for support and WLS group for keeping me focused.... My dream has come true because of all of you...
These things are things, at times, I tend to take for granted. There are other times, during private pity parties I used to wonder why I wasn't happy, especially after reflecting on all of the above. Pain does strange things to the mind, knowing your fat, partly because of the pain and inactivity makes it all the more painful. Does that make sense?
It is only now that I can look back and put everything into perspective, because every day I am aware of a dream being fulfilled...Not just the weight loss, although that is a miracle in it's self, but for all that came with that loss..the renewed energy, the loss of knee pain (it's there but doable) the loss of diabetes, the loss of 12 pills and 2 shots a day and the joy of seeing clothes grow bigger by the day. Along the way I have also found an extended family, people who share my disease and understand the torment and unhappiness it brings.
Right before surgery I was asked if I was afraid...I said "not at all, in fact I am totally at peace"...
There was a look of shock...who isn't afraid of surgery? To this I answered "I have the best surgeon, I trust her and God knows heaven will never be the same once I get there...so he's not in any rush to get me there"...I believe both those statements with all my heart.
My hospital stay may have been a horror but the surgery was textbook perfect. So then came my need, my desire to give back...When a dream comes true that enriches your life to the extent this surgery did...you need to give back. Being told I would Mentor was thrilling and exciting, but I needed more. The Butterfly Project gave me what I needed.... It has given comfort to so many and so many "get" the idea of the symbolism and that REALLY makes me happy.
When people like Suzanne and Jules post their feelings to this blog, no one will ever know how it warms my heart. Everyone wants to do something in their life time that means something. For anyone reading this blog, who has written to me or left a comment or received one of the Butterflies, please know that you are part of a dream that is bigger then you know.
I thank God for all those who have stepped up to the plate and volunteered their time, fabric or money to this cause..I could never do this Project alone (although I'd try) This project has not only given my life purpose, but it has also kept me away from the refrig, adding to my success.
I am not ready to post pictures just yet, but I can tell you I have lost over 70 pounds and I'm happier then I've been in a very, very long time...So thank you WLS team, friends and family for support and WLS group for keeping me focused.... My dream has come true because of all of you...
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