Time moves on

One day just seems to roll right into the next and when your busy, it rolls even faster.
I finally went to see my doctor, figured since I fell she might as well look me over and I could then explain some other feelings.
She wanted to send me for an MRI thinking I, in all probability, tore my rotator cuff. Since I wouldn't have it surgically fixed anyway, I told her I'd pass. My knee was swollen and she said if the fluid built up I'd have to have it drained, that I probably twisted it. Then I told her about other things and she told me I was clinically depressed..HUH??? Me depressed? How the hell does that happen?
She said it's fairly common with Bariatric patience...they go through an invincible time ...when they think they can conquer the world with their new found strength and energy. A dear friend described it as "like a religion" ...I realize I have been consumed with the program, the WL and the people I've met...I also realize I can not help them, if I can not help myself...So I have to prioritize and make it all about me for a while.
That really is not my nature...I have spent my life caring more about others, trying in my own silly way to make the world a better place. It really hasn't worked LOL and most people probably haven't even noticed my efforts...meanwhile I have fallen apart.
I am making strides to change things, baby steps that will set me back on the right track.
We are told in the very beginning that while this surgery will be a life altering event, there are certain things that will always remain the same. It is not a cure all. being thinner does not change every aspect of my life and, at times, creates situations that wouldn't exist otherwise..
People opinions will change, there will be some jealousy, some concerns and trust me, you REALLY learn who your friends are.
This is not only a WL experience, it is a LIFE experience that makes changes that will last forever...even if you gain all the weight back, because there are things you will NEVER be able to change once they happen.
My doctor finished up my exam by telling me how proud she was of me..She has seen many Bariatric patients and by this time there is usually signs of weight gain (sometimes as much as 40 pounds) I have maintained my WL for 2 years and for that I am grateful. I will deal with the depression with the help of my doctor and my friends (true friends that have stuck by me through the worst of times) I can also add this to the list of things I have learned to recognize and hopefully down the line will be able to help someone else.

Positive what???

Even the most positive thinker in the world is going to reach a point at times where you just want to tell the world to "KISS MY ASS"...That would be me right now LOL
Yes I'm laughing because I remain positive that there are consequences for the actions that some people feel are acceptable, that are not.
Some times the lessons in life are learned quickly, then there are some that take years...but people eventually learn and when they do, they pause and remember. Some may smile, while others are filled with regret for what they can not take back, for words they never said..or for things they did say that they realize caused a great amount of pain to someone they loved.

I can not dwell on the emotional pain, while dealing with the physical pain of the past few weeks.
I have a great deal on my mind to keep my thoughts on happier things...It is a coping skill I learned as a child. I could always bring forth a memory that would bring me to a happier place. It works even now.... Knowing yourself...not as others may see you, but as you truly are, is a gift.
Accepting your faults as well as your attributes, makes it easy to move on when someone has hurt you. What always amazes me is that people who THINK they know you, don't really know you at all....I for one would like to see a world where people could just get along, stop looking to place blame on every little situation in life and appreciate the good...but my world is not the real world...So we accept what we can, change what we can and move on in our own happiness.
I know I am not alone...that many of my friends hit emotional brick walls at times, when you just want to yell "Enough already!!" Yes we all feel sorry for ourselves at times, especially when we've been treated unfairly. But each and every one of us has experienced Joy and happiness...so pick a time in your life when you were the happiest and when you feel down...go there and visit that memory...That is one thing NO ONE can take from you and your most greatest gift. Life is too short to dwell on events that cause you tears and pain..Trust me..
It is far better to dwell on the joy you've known then the pain you feel.
A lesson for my WLS friends...it doesn't cure every aspect of your life...there will always be something or someone trying to take it away...Rise above the ignorance and be happy...

How busy can life get?

LOL I've all but stopped reading e-mail, especially the ones that start with FWD. while I appreciate people thinking of me, I'm just too busy to open most of it. I delete advertisements immediately , then look and see if I have any mail from friends or people I am mentoring...They are important to me and I always answer as fast as I can....Sometimes friends send stuff that does not say FWD but is..again I have to delete them. If I took the time to read all these "pass alongs" I'd never get away from this computer...So if you are one of the people that send me all that cute stuff...Thanks, but please understand that I probably never get to see them so if you want my attention you might want to include it in the subject line.
I am busier now then I have ever been in my life...I've got a stack of BD cards I've made and yet to get around to mailing...That's just WRONG, but I always feel that I should add a note and there lies my problem. Finding time to write one LOL
The animals require daily attention and I love giving it to them. It always starts my day with a smile when I feel their unconditional love.
Yesterday I noticed a new critter is living in the barn...A skunk...yup...I call it Petey, have no idea if it's a girl or boy...It is almost solid white with a thin line of black going down it's back and tail. It doesn't seem to mind the horses or the goats, but I think it's best to keep the dogs away. It doesn't mind me at all. I know what you are all thinking.."That crazy lady will get the stink bomb one of these days". You may be right, but I think animals, much more then people, recognize the pure of heart...by this I mean a person who would never , ever harm another living soul. Have I? I'm sure many times...with intention? NEVER?
I believe it's why the deer do not run from me. Why the baby fox sleeps under a near by tree and why the skunk walks over my feet and sits and waits for me to put down a dish of food...They feel it...they know they are safe..
So I don't mind the time I spend with my fur babies. I find it comforting...
Then I have normal household work to fit in...laundry, cleaning and at this time of year, filling my freezer and shelves with stuff to last through winter...Not because I have to, because I like to.
Then there is my time spent at the play house...either teaching or making stuff for an up coming FAIR...Of course there are days I just about get the animals done and I'm off to Binghamton to the doctor..between him and therapy you are looking at 8 hours (with travel time) sure takes a chunk out of my day. Then I have meetings and volunteer stuff, my Butterfly Project..Oh and lets not forget Christmas is right around the corner..Not sure I will be making a lot this year...I'd like to and I've made a list...but time seems to be moving ten times faster then I am..
Normally it would really bother me not to be able to make the things on my list, but I'm learning. besides, last year I sent packages to soldiers in the names of people I normally would have sent something to for Christmas, as well as my art group and my Lizzies (which I seldom see anymore) but still, I care and think of them...So sending boxes in peoples name was a way I could remember special people and still be able to get Christmas to soldiers. I think I'll do it again this year. I've already started collecting stuff...
So days continue to stay busy and I've given up hope that it will calm down any time soon. I do have to fit in getting Rave St. taken care of...but time will only allow for so much.
It is true what the say about life. It is indeed like a roll of toilet paper...the closer to the end, the faster it goes LOL

Another Day of Graston

It was with great apprehension that I went back to Binghamton for more torture. I did so because , in spite of the sorness left behind by the technique, my Achilles actually feels better...The burn in the stretch isn't as severe and it has been a while since I've felt any relief in that area. So off I went....Dr. was kind enough to be a little gentle, I think he knew I was still hurting. It hurt like hell while he was working and all I kept thinking was "No one died from having this done and it will end someday"...Hopefully it won't end with my heart giving out LOL
It really is mind blowing pain. I left Dr. and went straight to therapy which is a good way of working things out...Problem is, I think she fit me into an already busy schedule just to please Dr. Trachenberg...I wait over 15 min. in the office, being told that she'd see in in a second...I could have cooked a meal in that second...Then she hooked me up to the first machine and left...said 15 min...after a half hour I rang the bell. She seemd annoyed that I was watching the time...I reminded her that I had over an hours drive once I left there and had animals to feel and bed down....The next machine also ran over time, then there were exercises....she's a good therapist, just over booked and not very diligent to someone she knows stressed over time.
Needless to say, we got home after 9, still had animals to tend too and then we were so wired we needed to just sit and relax for a while before trying to sleep.
I feel bad asking to have appointments shifted around, so I will grin and bare this, but...if I need anymore, they won't be at night.
I am wiped out today...from the pain as well as the stress...
On the bright side...I'm very pleased with how my foot feels :-)

Surviving the Graston Technique

Well I made it...Do they hand out a tee-shirt for this? A button? A plaque on the wall? It was every bit as painful as the doc promised and more...Far more then I dreamed possible. Rich was there to support me, he held my hand as the steel tool ironed my muscle and tendons...the burn was incredible and the pain, mind blowing. No wonder he said it took commitment...it also takes a mindless idiot. I was given 4 shots prior to the technique but they had nothing to do with it...actually they helped numb it a bit. He tried a gun that shoots the medication in rather then use a needle (which he felt would be less painful...like that mattered) My tendon is so tight and thick that the medication bounced right back at him, could not penetrate...Gave a whole new meaning to me being a "tough old bird", which he said I most certainly was. Thanks for the compliment doc, but I'd rather have a teensy bit less pain. At one point the pain reached such a crescendo that I went to bite down on my hand and hit Rich's thumb instead...he just nicely asked that I not bite him LOL Poor guy at that point I probably would have bitten it off...I didn't and once he reminded me to breath I did better. Why I felt holding my breath would take away the pain only God knows...perhaps I just thought it would help me pass out.
After leaving the office we headed over to the Therapist, she did some deep massage and some electrical stim, along with injecting medication into a pad that then pushed it into my skin using electro magntic energy...I could actually feel it..Considering my heel was like a raw piece of meat by then I would have felt a feather...air even.... I started this whole journey at 3:20 (at the Doc) and finally got back home at 9:30 pm. It was a long and extremely painful day.
I was hoping to get on here today and be joking about all this...It's no F***ing joke and I ain't smiling. Okay...I am smiling, but basically because it is over and it is a beautiful day..but I dread tomorrow and if the surgery wasn't going to knock me out of the game for 6 months to a year..I'd have it done just to avoid this....This technique has helped people who were told there was no help...It is practiced nation wide and in a number of hospitals...so it's not voodoo and I am not alone in my suffering...Even the therapist said she has seen big burly men brought to their knees but it does help...Bottom line, fixing me is what it's all about...I'm sure it will get better in time.
Stay tuned......

Just Catching Up

I don't know if it's me or is the whole world turning much to fast? I heard a little ditty once "Life is like a roll of toilet paper, the closer to the end the faster it goes"...Turns out, it's true and not "Cute" at all.
My time management isn't what it once was, that's for sure. Heck I'd be done with house cleaning and laundry before 8 a.m. every day. Now I don't have half the laundry I once did and If lucky to have it washed before days end and it sleeps in the dryer sometimes over night...
I never had a dish washer and don't ever let my kids fool you by telling you they did dishes. I was forced to do dishes and vowed I'd never do that to my kids. they did clear the table and sometimes help by washing or drying...but dishes were done after every meal, mostly by me and put away...Now, with a dish washer, it seems I barely have time to load the darn thing much less push the button to start it.
My day starts very early but I don't get done with chores until almost noon. What the heck is that about? My studio is still a mess. I started cleaning and organizing it almost a year ago...I've got all my cubbies in place and some fabric folded but the rest of the place looks like a war zone.
I love working in a clean organized place, yet it never seems to be that way. Even down at the play house we seem to work in chaos. It's nice not to have to worry about cleaning up before a project is done...Oh wait..that's why I had a private studio built...hmm maybe studio's aren't supposed to be organized..but then how do they print that magazine? You know the one...all nice pictures of PERFECT studio's. Who do they belong to?
I love being busy and I must say, I am most of the time. Too busy to worry about cleaning up after myself. I do wish I had more time, the end of the day comes too fast, but when I look at all I accomplish in my day, I'm pretty satisfied...I just wish there was more day left at the end of my business LOL I thank God for the amount of weight loss I've had over the past two years. I can't even imagine myself having this much energy with those extra pounds.
I see heavy people waddling along and I just want to grab them and say..." There is help for people like us...You don't have to be trapped in that body"...but then I remember how contented i was at times, to be trapped. At least I thought I was contented..Looking back now maybe I just accepted something I thought I could not change..
So I know my day will be too short, they always are. But I will be grateful for all I manage to fit into this day and what I don't fit in...I'll tackle tomorrow.

Grow up and grow Old

I was recently talking to a local store owner who is going out of business (I'm sure her winning personality has a great deal to do with it) When I asked if she was "Retiring" she said she was too YOUNG to retire..I suppressed my laughter as not to embarrass her until I left the store.
First of all...is there an AGE to retire? I have a friend who retired at 35 so he could enjoy the millions of dollars he had made as a young entrepreneur. I have several other friends who retired way before 65, pretty much to start enjoying the fruits of their labors. So perhaps what she meant to say was "I haven't made enough money yet, in order to retire"...
I was left with the impression that she fears growing old. I've seen a lot of that recently. Women (not girls) in their 40's and 50's who refuse to believe they are growing older...who want others to believe they still look like they are 25...They may act immature but thats where their lack of maturity ends...They not only LOOK their age, there are times they look older...So , do they have a trick mirror? Or are they just in denial...I have seen older woman...totally expressionless, frozen by Botox...do they really think they look younger? Most of us think they look plastic, because that's what an old face looks like when it has no wrinkles and is void of character.
Ladies you need to wake up..You aren't young anymore, the beauty of youth has been replaced with the beauty that age and wisdom brings. Wear your wrinkles proudly, they define your face and add to your expression. To deny you are getting older, only makes you look foolish because we see what obviously you are missing when you look in the mirror. You can change to a youthful hair style, wear the clothes of a teenager and use a ton of makeup to hide the flaws that come with age....The only one your kidding is yourself.
When I was younger I saw so many older woman grow old gracefully and I remember how "stunning" I thought they were. I admired woman who dressed and acted their age. I'm not talking frumpy, these were professional woman who dressed appropriately and met their age with dignity and poise as opposed to denial.
There is no age of retirement (only an age to collect SS) Bless your heart if you can retire at 40 and do something worth while with the rest of your time here on earth.
You have to age...so grow up and deal with it...but you don't have to get old. Many of us "Oldies" remain pretty darned active....and I for one am enjoying the hell out of early retirement..
chew on this:
You are young as your faith, as old as your doubt;
as young as your self confidence, as old as your fear;
as young as your hope, as old as your despair.
Douglas MacArthur